The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend....

Didn't I tell you in my last post it was hard to blog everyday?? 

It is... especially when your husband introduces you to Clash of Clans....... (stop laughing at me)

Now normally I am not a big TV watcher or video game player as it annoys the crap out of me and I feel like I'm wasting my life away.....

Last week I noticed my husband was on his phone more than usual (as he's normally only on it for business if people call or text). He doesn't have a Facebook account and never uses the business Instagram (even though I tell him he needs too!) 

I was feeling a little curious suspicious.... you know like the crazy girlfriend who has to know all your passwords to everything so she can check on you to make sure you aren't cheating on her right? 

Like you've never been (or had) one of those....

I didn't think my husband was cheating on me and I didn't go through his phone... I've learned from past relationships if that's something I feel I have to do he probably was is... 

Nope. I didn't go all crazy ex-girlfriend style on him (that never really panned out for me)... I simply asked what he was doing ... 

seriously... who knew talking to a guy at a normal level actually works??? (therapy must be working) 

Convo: 

Me, "Hi honey.... so what exactly are you doing on your phone all the time lately?"

Juuuuuuust kidding!!.... I REALLY said in a annoyed tone, "Why are you wasting so much time on your phone?"

His eyes lit up as he showed me the game and how awesome his village is.

I rolled my eyes and said, "you know how much stuff we could get done in the Smart Success course we are taking if you stopped wasting your time on that silly stupid game??"

A few days later he was talking about this “clan” he and some of the guys from the Big Birge Plumbing Team were in… I was feeling left out. A few days ago I decided to download it just to see what all the fuss was about.  

Then he told me our foreman said I should join their clan jokingly. Knowing I probably wouldn’t… I wanted to surprise them and join their clan so I could fit in. So I figured out how to do it and how it worked…. 

Worst. Mistake. EVER!

 As I am writing this I am nervous someone is going to “attack” my village and steal my gold!! (sigh)

I got sucked in. 

I'm embarrassed by it because it's not at all productive in any way. Although my husband will argue that, 

"It's like building our business baby. I mean look.... when you get money you upgrade your stuff and train your team to be better. Then you have to build back up again after you spend it... the cycle goes on. So one day we will have a nice big shop with the best plumbing team in Omaha if we keep investing in them." 

I guess he kind of has a point but I sure do hope we don't get attacked by other "villages" and they destroy everything we've built..... 

Anyways so yeah... that's where my blog writing time has been spent....... I'm sorry I feel like I've been cheating on you. Just for the record as soon as I am done writing this post I will be deleting that app off my phone because, as with SUGAR, it's a toxin in my life and it's taking away from things I REALLY want and need to be doing to make my dreams a reality.

As you know if you've been following me (start here if you'd like) I've been doing a 21 day (almost) no processed sugar... normally I will post my meals for the day and chit chat about whatever comes out of my head. 

I just want you to know I have NOT ventured to eating sugar these past 4 days and haven't gone off my challenge... (yay! be proud!) I am not going to post my food today though (maybe next time).


**WARNING** This might get a little mushy and personal from here out. The reason I share all this with you is because I realize how fake and unrealistic the world is (says the girl whose photoshopped face is on the side of her husbands plumbing truck right? stop it! it's marketing and fun!) I'd like to be real with you in hopes not only does it bring value to you but also, maybe someone, somewhere is reading this and they need to know they are not alone in life or in their feelings. 

Back to the crazy ex-girlfriend..... so as you found out last week in this blog... I went to my first counseling session to explore EMDR type of therapy with my husband...

I had my 2nd appointment this past week (remember I'm more crazy than he is)... it made me realize.....I really was a crazy girlfriend at one point in my life (So that would make me the crazy ex-girlfriend right?). 

haha.... yes I remember these days. 

Not just in boy/girl relationships but also in other relationships as well. I wont go into details but I WILL say I didn't realize it at the time... 

Yes I DO realize I was young, it was NOT all my fault (by any means).... a relationship takes 2 people wanting & working to be together. 

I also realize I clearly wasn't supposed to be with these people. As they were brought into my life as leverage to bring me to where I am today and where they belong as well. Now I have this amazing beautiful life I never imagined I'd ever have or believed I deserved. 

Natasha Barker Photography 

You may be wondering where on earth I am going with this...

This sounds so cliche  but everything happens for a reason....seriously you HAVE got to look at your life this way. 

My last appointment opened my eyes to realize I pushed (and still do) so many people away because of all the abuse I had in my younger years (My parents did the best they could. I do not blame any of this on them anymore. Most all of this happened outside of their control in and out of foster homes.)

I didn't believe I deserved to be loved, I didn't believe I deserved to be successful, I didn't believe I was good enough. I wasn't happy with myself. 

I ended up with an eating disorder and an attachment disorder. I wasn't happy with who I was.. I tried so hard to be but I didn't know how. I had this little girl inside me trying to get out so as i have gotten older my little girl comes out into my thoughts and feelings of anxiousness, self doubt and fear. 

This last session also made me realize that is why so many relationships I wanted so bad to succeed did not ... not just because they weren't right for me but also because I wasn't happy with myself. That shows... even if you're really good at hiding it it will eventually come out. 

You cannot be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with yourself.

Side note: I like to think I came up with this quote because I googled it and it hasn't been deemed yet... there are others similar but not word for word.... you know what this means right?

TWEETABLE! @Lallenia #Lallenia Yeah buddy!! (do it!)

Being happy with yourself is something that is a struggle for millions of people. I am starting to realize this is a choice. No one makes you happy but you. No matter what life you have been through, how much money you have and how many friends. 

People can make you feel happy when you're around them and material things can make you feel better about yourself but in the end it is your choice. If you struggle with this... go find help and don't give up if you don't mesh with the first person or thing you try. 

This is the reason I workout, try my hardest to eat healthier and now go to therapy is because these are things I can control in my life and they help to make me happier and a better person. I feel strong and capable when I make healthy choices mentally and physically. 

Also remember that everything you go through is for a reason. You may not think so at the time and it may be really hard and a HUGE struggle but I promise you it will lead you to where you need to be and who you need to be with.... and with a story to tell along the way =) Everyone has a story. 

This is just a snip of my story I shared today in hopes it will help someone who maybe is that crazy girlfriend (or boyfriend) or there is something inside you feeling anxious or self doubt...... take a deep breath, get in your "happy" place and realize You cannot be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with yourself. 

Go out there take chances, make mistakes, don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to fail. 

Also if you see a young person or child who looks alone in the world and sad.... tell them they are beautiful, smart and important.. That they are placed on this earth because they are very special. These words (even if from a stranger) will stick in their head and help them believe they were put on this earth for a reason. It will help them not to give up or get sucked into the life they were given.... trust me I know this as I am one of those children.

Thanks for reading and remember to always keep yourself happy (healthy), fit, and fabulous!!

Love you!

XoXo

*Lallenia*

old habits HARD to break....

"What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal."(John Maxwell)

This week what I did on a disciplined basis sure paid off when I went to get my measurements! I was VERY consistent this week on keeping my protein levels higher and carbs a little lower. I didn’t even have bites of my son’s foods for a week! (That’s a HUGE accomplishment for me!)

(confused? Read this blog first!) 

My weight went back up to 139! BUT this week it was BECAUSE MY lean body mass went back up! YAY YAY YAY! OH! AAAANND My body fat dropped almost a percent!! Which means I’m 21 something (I went in during a busy time so JR must’ve forgot to send me the measurements or I would post them).

I FEEL stronger and leaner this week. It takes time. This is why it’s so hard for people to stick with it. Even if you have a set back, as long as you don’t let it bring you down and keep you there you will still eventually get results.

Speaking of set backs… This is going to be hard to write about especially after telling you how great my results were… I have been debating if I should talk about this or not for fear of judgment, being criticized, looked down upon, embarrassment, harassment, unworthiness, and people thinking I’m a failure and not believe in me… whew… those are a lot of upsetting thoughts aren’t they? Well… I said from the beginning I was going to be honest, upfront and raw with my followers… so here it goes.

Friday afternoon AFTER I get my measurements, was feeling confident and excited, I went grocery shopping at Costco. (LOVE this place!) I have learned over the years of struggling with my ED (eating disorder) which foods I need to stay away from and which foods are “safe”. I had my cart full of broccoli, chicken, tuna, green beans, spinach, avocados, eggs, and my boy’s cereal and milk.

My husband really likes having snack bars for quick pick me up at work and my bother (who lives with us) also enjoys eating them when he’s running around town. Their favorite bar is the sweet and salty nature valley bar. Well… this happens to be one of my “trigger” foods… seriously! Have you tried them? Addicting!

I was feeling really great and confident saw the HUGE box of 48 bars and thought, “ya know I’ve been on a roll and feel as if I am in total control lately. I will not slip into my old ways. I can buy this and put it in their pantry as a treat for them and I will not be tempted at all.”

I normally do not allow sweets in the house because I do not believe we need them in the house and because I don’t feel comfortable around them from my long history of bulimia. It’s taken me a long time to break those habits.

Friday night:

I was planning on going out for one of my girlfriend’s birthday parties. I ate before so I wouldn’t be tempted and just enjoy their friendship. My husband ended up working later than expected so I ended up staying with Wyatt. I know this is how it goes when you start your own company. No big deal. My brother wanted to eat a sweet and salty bar, which means Wyatt did too! I was struggling like maybe I can have one bite… I mean I got awesome results and feel good… one wont hurt my progress. PLUS I had carbs left over for the day since I didn’t even get to all my carbs.

I had one bite and my mind went instantly back to its old habits. It wasn’t because I’m starving myself… I do not trust me! I eat 2,000 calories a day! It wasn’t because I was mad or feeling upset over anything or deprived.. . I was happy and had a great day! It wasn’t because anyone forced me to do it. I really honestly believe it is YEARS of a habit embedded in my subconsciousness. I triggered it and BAM, game over.

I even took a picture of the wrappers…. Gross… I know. How in the heck does this happen?

I'm pretty sure there is like 8-10.... I know you're trying to count them!

I had a rough couple days following with my brain playing tricks on me and telling me how I am not going to make it and to go ahead keep binging… blah blah blah.

The funny thing is…. I have learned that I need to forgive myself and understand Lallenia You are NOT perfect. This is no excuse for this behavior BUT instead of in the past where it would’ve spiraled into weeks on end of eating, binging, and purging it wasn’t. I forgave myself for once this weekend and felt a calmness come over me. And an acceptance.

That quote in my head keeps repeating itself to me…. 

“What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal.”

“What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal.”

Through this process I am not only learning more about the way my body works, performs, reacts, and what gets results from the outside but I am also learning what my body needs from the inside. I am growing to love myself for who I am not just what I am and I am learning to develop my thinking to become stronger yet understanding. I am also learning that I do not give up easily!!!! This won’t bring me down and back me away from my goal in 7 weeks… EEEK!!!

I know I have flaws and struggles… I am not perfect. Why it came back when I least expected it? Maybe it’s God’s way of working through me to help others and to show me I still have some work to do... This does not define whom I Am. Nor will I ever let it again. 

       Reality is normally when it comes back it lasts a long time and is hard to get back on track. Now it is almost like one of those people that I used to know (start humming that song now…) They come and go but I do not them anymore if they aren't going to bring joy and love in my life.

 If you’ve ever struggled with an addiction or bad habit of any kind I am sure you totally relate with me here. Maybe your addiction/habit it still defining you and it’s hard to get away from it and maybe it’s like mine… just comes and goes when you least expect it. 

Just like in the weight room or on the running trail… Do not aim to get perfection, aim for progress. Eventually I will be blogging about how I haven’t seen my “friend mia” for years instead of months… I know it’s going to happen, Just like I know I am still going to rock this dang show the best I can!

So even with the little rendezvous with my “friend” I still had some great progress pictures this morning… now this is funny… BUT (I swear I am telling you the truth!!!!) I saved them to my computer and deleted them from my phone in I-photo… then I went to pull them up and this is what came up…

9 BLACK pictures... Yes I made my husband take a bunch...

Yes these are my progress pictures… AHHH I was sad because I was even POSING for you in them!!!!! I am not sure what happened. But I guess this will build suspense for next week’s right? It’s too late to take more I have to start my cardio at 3:45am….

Oh! In case you were wondering about my plan to combat this setback… My husband gathered all the bars and anything else that might “trigger” me and placed them where I can’t find them. He also helped me prep ALL my meals for the week…. LOADS of chicken and green beans. AND he even is going to make sure I am in bed by 9… he’s yelled at me 3 times now.

I have some recipes, which I will post this week because I REALLY am going to go to bed now….

*Keep yourself Healthy, Fit & Fabulous*

~Lallenia~

PS GREAT video here from a girl about breaking habits and binge eating.... it's long but she makes it fun and many people can relate =)

https://www.figureandbikini.org/a/321/How-to-Stop-Binging-Once-and-for-All