I feel like my whole world crashed down...

It's been a while hasn't it??

Like FOREVER!! 

I miss my blogging and think about it often. About once a week I log in to open up my account and start writing but then I just delete it and go about my day... why?? 

Well, honestly... I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and frustrated. 

Since I ran my half marathon in September 2013 a lot has taken place. If you've ever read one of my blogs I am usually over here super hyped up on caffeine, blogging about a current workout challenge I am doing, diet I am trying out or complaining that all my friends are getting pregnant and I am not. (True story... but I am SO blessed to have my Wy guy!)

Well.... unfortunately this is NOT a pregnancy announcement... nope. The only reason I am writing this right now is because I feel like I am called too... I keep trying to avoid it but every night for the past week it's been on my mind to the point it's hard to sleep. So here we go... I guess I've shared so much of my struggles already in the blogging world I might as well share my current situation... 

Are you feeling the suspense yet??? (Keep reading) 

Let me track back to my half marathon.... during my training for that and after I was getting into kettle bells and Olympic weight lifting. Which I LOVED. So everything I say write from here out don't you think for a minute I am bashing this type of training got it?? I know I have lots of cross fitter friends....

If you have followed me or know me personally you know I have had shoulder surgery on BOTH my shoulders already. (Yuck) Well after my 1st surgery on my right arm (Jan 6th 2011) I did all my Physical therapy and I went back into my regular fitness routine thinking I was back to 100% and pushing myself even if I was in a little bit of pain here and there. After all fitness was my LIFE. It's all I knew and loved. 

Around August of last year my shoulder started to REALLY bother me.... like bad. It hurt when I ran, did push ups, pull ups, pretty much anything except rowing exercises but I just worked through it. Later down the road in October 2013 I believe  I was doing an Olympic lift called a jerk (with a good amount of weight for me!) and then.... SNAP. My right shoulder subluxed. I tried physical therapy. It was still incredibly painful. I went to my doctor and he said lets just schedule a quick scope to clean it up; maybe you have a scar tissue issue. 

I went in Feb 7th 2014. Turned out my 3 anchors in there were popped out (no wonder I hurt so bad!) They had to put 5 more anchors in and do a reconstruction. 

9 weeks later I am just starting to get to get a good range of motion without such significant pain. It's been a LONG ride. I was just given the OK to "jog" for 20-30 min this week.... urgh that's been a hard journey. I haven't worked out since around Christmas so I feel horribly out of shape. I have been tracking my "runs" so I can see progress. I am WAY slower than I've been in a long time but it has been since about October 2013 since I've really ran because my shoulder hurt so bad. Getting back into has been SO HARD!! 

I will get my 7:45 - 8 min mile back! 

I can't wait until they give me the OK to teach cycle class!! I miss that SO much! 

Here we go... the REAL reason for this blog.... be prepared to be shocked.... I sure was... ha... still AM. I'm still slightly freaked out by this. 

I now know how annoying it is when you find something out that's not exactly the best news in the world then people make it worst by saying, "Oh it's OK you'll be fine don't worry about it..." or "You're so strong and been through so much already you can get through this too." or in a fake I don't care tone, "Awe I am so sorry you poor thing..."

SHUT the F* UP!!!! 

It's NOT fine. 

It's NOT OK. 

NO. You DON'T understand. 

Please just stop telling me I am strong and will make it through. 

Right now I just want to be in my hole and sulk for a little bit.  

This is how I felt when my doctor told me I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) then proceeds to tell me I need to get checked for Type 2 diabetes because I have insulin resistance issues as well which is also linked to heart disease. 

(Long pause) 

REALLY!!!??????!!!!!?????

This is the LAST thing I could possibly have EVER thought to happen to ME. I wanted to punch him in the face... although it wasn't his fault... and i really like the guy. I was just SO taken back. 

Out of all people... I just don't get it. Forgive me if I sound arrogant or biased but I mean my LIFE for so long has been revolved around trying to stay healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have had to fight some serious demons throughout my life... so why this too?? I just don't get it. 

I am married to an incredible man and we have THE cutest little man who makes us laugh everyday...

How cute are they???

... I mean I have wanted this my WHOLE life... just to have my OWN family where I am able to feel like I belong for once in my life. Now I feel like my whole world crashed down. 

Writing this right now makes me sound like a complete drama queen. Forgive me. 

SO I found this out about 4 weeks ago.... I was really upset and went into a little depression for a while. It was horrible timing because my way to release frustration is to workout but I couldn't because of my shoulder. 

It's gotten better to handle and I am REALLY glad I found this all out and had my annual exam because if I didn't figure this out soon who knows how bad my disease(s) would get. 

It's crazy I was oblivious to all this until now. I have only a few symptoms for PCOS. My doctor was actually taken back by this as well as I do not fit the usual population that has this. But clear as day, he did an ultra sound and I had the classic case. This would be the reason I haven't had luck getting pregnant again... (It’s not from lack of trying!!) 

ha.... seriously. 

Below is the list of symptoms and the ones I have are in red. Also a diagram of what it is in case you're curious. 

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating.
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
• Cysts on the ovaries
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• Pelvic pain
• Anxiety or depression
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep

Now Type 2 diabetes was a little harder to determine (so I thought) UNTIL I went through the checklist: 

1. Urinating often 

2. Feeling very thirsty 

3. Feeling very hungry - even though you are eating 

4. Extreme fatigue 

5. Blurry vision 

6. Cuts/bruises that is slow to heal 

7. Weight loss - even though you are eating more (type 1) 

8. Tingling, pain, or numbness in the hands/feet (type 2) 

Sure enough 6 out of 8 symptoms of common diabetes symptoms I have: 

I always thought 1 & 2 was because I drank a lot of water so that made me go potty more and the fact I was fatigued often was because I woke up so early to teach boot camps and I worked out... I associated this with me feeling fatigued to the point I often need a nap or sleep early. I also thought my workouts made me hungrier.

I've had blurry vision for as long as I can remember. I get a tingling sensation in my hands and feet sometimes. I thought this was normal as well.

Looking back after doing TONS of research now... it ALL makes sense.

I've always had a hard time with foods that have higher sugar content. Basically too much sugar is like poison to the body especially for someone who has an insulin resistance problem.

The reason I say this makes sense is because I get really light headed, fatigue, flushed and really anxious when I eat a lot of carbohydrates especially higher in sugar. I always associated this with my bulimia past. I thought it was because I was nervous it would send me into a downward spiral and go back into old habits. 

Nope.

There's so much that comes into play I could write all day!! (You can imagine how obsessed I've been) My doctor told me and after doing my own research I actually could have had insulin problems since I was younger and it very well could've been the cause for my binge eating episodes. I controlled it because for the most part (aside from my bulimia issue that was on and off) I worked out and ate relatively healthy so it was not as predominate as it could've been had I not worked out or tried to eat healthy. I really believe working out has saved my life now more than ever. 

I know what you're thinking. How can you NOT know Lallenia!? This is serious! 

Honestly I never knew because my life growing up was so crazy I never had annual exams or went to the doctor unless I HAD too. Honestly this is my FIRST annual exam... ever.  

I will tell you if you do not get annual exams... start getting them. Don't wait. If you feel like something is not right... it isn't. Please don't be like me and just blow it off thinking, Oh I am fine... this is just normal. After asking people how they feel when they eat high carbohydrate food I see my symptoms are not normal. I've had irregular periods for as long as I can remember but didn't even think twice about it. I figured it was because I worked out. Nope. I should have had this all figured out by the time I was 18... but I didn't know any better. 

The reason I am sharing all this to the world is to raise awareness. I don't need your sympathy. Really... I don't. Instead please go get your annual exams... get your butt moving more and stop eating so much junk. There's so much more that goes into all this that this is just a brief over view but I really hope by addressing this, it will open the eyes up for you and will make you become more aware of your bodies and get healthier. Even if you think you ARE healthy.... get checked out. You just never know.... If you have a friend dealing with this... for goodness sakes please stop bringing the donuts and cakes... that's NOT helping them. 

I promise to keep you updated on this and will start writing a weekly blog about how I am coping. It helps me to write and in turn I believe it will help someone else out there that may be going through this as well. 

Please remember this is all VERY new to me so if I am not explaining something correctly or thoroughly and you happen to be an expert help me out and don't hate on me. 

OK that's all for now... I need to go walk this "little" fellow right here... he keeps slobbering on me...

Keep yourself Healthy, Fit and Fabulous!!
*Lallenia*

Guilty.....

Guilty As Charged!

So it has been a few weeks since I have last posted anything up here… ok ok more like a few months!

What's been going on?? How am I doing? I know you are wondering because I have gotten a few messages ;-)

Lets see... if we back track to after I competed in my first bikini competition I honestly thought I would maybe eat a few naughty meals then get right back on the healthy eating wagon. Wrong. I actually couldn’t stop eating for like 2 weeks. Then of course the holidays hit so I just kept eating. WHAT IN THE WORLD????  Where is the healthy fun fit  fabulous Lallenia!? I guess I fell captive to thinking I just wanted to be “normal.” 

GUILTY.

Yes that’s me.

I’m guilty of falling off the strict diet & training wagon after my show November 3^rd, 2012.

I’m guilty of feeling a little depressed due to not being able to workout for a month.

AND I’m guilty of being missing in action to people that matter to me the most.

I’ve received a bunch emails, texts and FB messages from my family, friends and followers after my Bikini competition. (If you’d like to: check out how it went here.)  And after this last email (which was a swift kick in the butt) I figured I better get back to being myself.

This last email I received kicked me in the butt because a follower actually asked me to inspire her again and she missed me. I told her I was going through a rough place and was a little embarrassed I haven't been myself… she said. “So? Tell us about it. You’re so honest and people need to see this is life and it’s not a reason to give up or stop doing what you love. You have a gift Lallenia, please use it and don’t be embarrassed. We love you, please come back.” Amazing, isn't she?? 

Here are a few of the questions I’ve received (which I will address below)

1.     Where did I go?

2.     What is my next adventure/challenge?

3.     Will I continue to pursue this competition and fitness modeling adventure (um...thank you for that by the way!)?

4.     How has everything been going after my dieting and battles with my bulimia?

So guess what? I AM BACK! (Insert fist pump here)

I am guilty of over indulging a little bit too much after my show. I had some of fun eating with my BFF the following two weeks after the show.

Yes this is a typical picture of us ;-) 

 I started feeling really icky and decided it was time to clean up my act again.

In December I started to focus on gaining muscle and was doing my best to stick to my diet plan 80% of the time. I felt awesome, gained a little weight back (duh) and started really seeing some strength and performance results in the gym! I LOVED it!

To be honest I was looking forward to starting my blog again to tell you I am going to do another competition on May 18^th because I really feel like I know what to expect from myself and wanted to look even better. I had it all planned out and wanted to go even more in depth about it for you all. So yes I really enjoyed it and would like to do another some day (as of right now).

Well as life goes…. 
In Mid January I started feeling really weird and had this pain in my right ovary. I was told it was ovulation pain…. WHAT? I didn’t even know this existed! (Of course you’re talking to the girl who didn’t know she was pregnant for most of her 1^st trimester with her son). It started to hurt really bad when I would do intense workouts, run or jump rope. (Basically everything I love) It turns out I had a small cyst that had formed. (No baby…)

This is it except it was my right side. 

I never knew these could be so painful! So I was not able to workout much and felt as if my hormones were completely out of whack. I’ve always been in tune with my workouts and how food affects my performance but I’ve never paid attention to the “womanly” stuff. I just thought of it as really annoying (it is, seriously).

I was so sad to find out I wasn’t pregnant because hubby & I were secretly hoping we were. My doctor placed me on a hormone to help get rid of the cyst and maybe even help get pregnant. (Eeeee!!!!!) I find out next week!!! (My cycle is really long that’s why it’s taken so long to “try” for those of you that are all about this way of planning and were wondering)

In the meantime I was told by my doctor to cut back on most cardio besides walking and cut back on intense workouts. Which blew my mind because I worked out for pretty much all of my pregnancy with this cute little guy!

i laugh out loud every time i see this picture!
What a funny little boy we have!

When I told my husband she said that; he said, “So listen to her, she has her job for a reason just like you have yours.” (ok ok good point, leave it to him)

So the million dollar questions, “have I kept in shape after my show and did I return to my eating disorder???”  You know that’s why you’re reading this.

After I went on my binge eating for a few weeks I got myself right back on top of things. When I started feeling icky from my girl issues and couldn’t workout anymore I became depressed. 

Working out to me is like brushing my teeth, if I don’t do it I feel gross and disgusting. Just like some girls have to wear make up and do their hair everyday… I have to do some form of physical activity to feel confident. I am sure my husband sometimes wishes it was hair and make up because he gets pretty excited when I DO take the time to do it. I am not saying a I am a slob (i do shower everyday) I just normally have my hair up and usually only use mascara IF that 6 of the 7 days a week.

So I became depressed for about a month and did nothing as far as working out expect my cycle class I teach once a week (which was cancelled due to snow 2 times during that period). I would do some lightweights here and there as well. Naturally I am going to gain some weight from my routine changing and not cutting back on calories. 

Since my show I have gained about 10-12lbs (depending on the day). A lot of this is due to me being depressed about not working out as much or as hard as i'd like to from the Dr telling me not to until I get pregnant. She said that the weight gain is good for me to have on. It will increase my chances of getting pregnant. (I am still a little weary about this but I will let her do her job)

Am I:

A.    Upset with myself?

B.    Sad about gaining weight?

C.    Depressed?

D.    All of the above?

E.    None of the above?

And the winner goes to E.! NONE of the above!

WHAT? 

How can that be? 

After all my CAREER and lifestyle is all about the way I present myself and what I do right??? 

Right. 

The bigger picture for ME that is going to help and inspire MORE people; I haven’t struggled with my bulimia since my show. To be honest this is why I have gained a little bit of weight. If I overeat I don’t go throw up anymore (I know i know... gross. Don't try it) nor do I workout extra the next day to make up for it. Even though I’d like to think I eat pretty dang healthy I can still over consume the calories. (NO this doesn't mean go do that stuff if you're trying to lose weight!! it's a horrible cycle to be stuck in & WON'T make you happy or fit!!! If you've been following me you'll have learned I am healthier and stronger when i am not trapped in this cycle.)

It feels so awesome to not be SO obsessed with trying to hide that part of my life. Even though it wasn’t something I did everyday it was still something I was embarrassed/ashamed about. And to have gone through this time of being depressed and NOT falling back into old habits is so awesome to me and totally worth the extra weight gain. After all I AM a trainer and LOVE to workout and eat healthy it’s not like I don’t know what I am doing if i wanted to lose it again the RIGHT way. 

It has made me realize what it REALLY means to make a mental transformation. I have mentally conquered my eating disorder. I am not saying I don’t think about it ever but when I do I am able to mentally tell myself “No way Lallenia, you’re not doing that to your body ever again.” and then I'm done. I don't go back and forth I just simply tell myself no. 

It’s also made me discover that one cannot make a physical transformation without making a mental transformation as well.  Think about it. You have got to mentally change your thinking in order to change you behaviors.

I also must admit I was trying SO hard to work on getting a bigger butt... and well my weight has distributed nicely I have to say! So that's also a little exciting! My poor jeans... what am i talking about? I don't wear jeans. 

A little quote I have been obsessed with lately:

You can't do anything about yesterday.

The door to the past has been shut & the key thrown away.

You can do nothing about tomorrow,

however tomorrow is in large part a factor of what you're doing today.

(Now re-read that slower.... really go do it.... it makes more sense the 2nd or 3rd time....)

ahhh haa... Are you nodding your head in agreement?? Right!? SO TRUE!!!!!!!!! I mean I didn’t gain weight in a night… it took 3 months of not paying as much attention. Same with losing weight… it takes making the right decisions and having self control and discipline. If I make ONLY good decisions but lack discipline I will fail. Same with if I have the discipline but lack the right decisions. I must do both in order to achieve the results I want.

In conclusion, I am pretty happy with who i am right now no matter what the scale tells me. I still like to use it to keep myself in check so I don't go crazy but I can still jump on a 3-4 foot box, chest press 45lb dumbbells 6-8 times, do a few pull ups, pump out 10-15 push ups, and run a mile in under 8 minutes.

 So No I'm not "out of shape" from a physical stand point and my gut doesn't hang over pants by any means I just look a little fuller. If I want to trim up a little more I know what to do and how to do it in a healthy way but I also am not going to obsess over not having a six pack or be depressed because i don't look like a model on the fitness magazine everyday. 

From a mental standpoint I am able to control my thoughts so much better and I am able to realize that no one else, no perfect body, and no magic pill will make me happy. It is my choice to be happy. And yes working out & eating nutritious are my drugs of choice to help =) 

AS far as my next challenge: I have 2:

 # 1 I want to become certified to teach body pump classes.... i went through the training this past weekend and have 90 days to send in a video of me teaching it so I can have my own class. I struggle with matching the choreography with the music so.... this is ENTIRELY out of my comfort zone!!! Which will make me learn and grow YAY! 

# 2.... I know you already know.... I want a baby in my belly by my birthday this year and have a natural child birth if all things go as planned. ;-) 

That's all for now but I WILL be back soon!

Until then Keep yourself Healthy, Fit, & Fabulous!!

*Lallenia*