The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend....

Didn't I tell you in my last post it was hard to blog everyday?? 

It is... especially when your husband introduces you to Clash of Clans....... (stop laughing at me)

Now normally I am not a big TV watcher or video game player as it annoys the crap out of me and I feel like I'm wasting my life away.....

Last week I noticed my husband was on his phone more than usual (as he's normally only on it for business if people call or text). He doesn't have a Facebook account and never uses the business Instagram (even though I tell him he needs too!) 

I was feeling a little curious suspicious.... you know like the crazy girlfriend who has to know all your passwords to everything so she can check on you to make sure you aren't cheating on her right? 

Like you've never been (or had) one of those....

I didn't think my husband was cheating on me and I didn't go through his phone... I've learned from past relationships if that's something I feel I have to do he probably was is... 

Nope. I didn't go all crazy ex-girlfriend style on him (that never really panned out for me)... I simply asked what he was doing ... 

seriously... who knew talking to a guy at a normal level actually works??? (therapy must be working) 

Convo: 

Me, "Hi honey.... so what exactly are you doing on your phone all the time lately?"

Juuuuuuust kidding!!.... I REALLY said in a annoyed tone, "Why are you wasting so much time on your phone?"

His eyes lit up as he showed me the game and how awesome his village is.

I rolled my eyes and said, "you know how much stuff we could get done in the Smart Success course we are taking if you stopped wasting your time on that silly stupid game??"

A few days later he was talking about this “clan” he and some of the guys from the Big Birge Plumbing Team were in… I was feeling left out. A few days ago I decided to download it just to see what all the fuss was about.  

Then he told me our foreman said I should join their clan jokingly. Knowing I probably wouldn’t… I wanted to surprise them and join their clan so I could fit in. So I figured out how to do it and how it worked…. 

Worst. Mistake. EVER!

 As I am writing this I am nervous someone is going to “attack” my village and steal my gold!! (sigh)

I got sucked in. 

I'm embarrassed by it because it's not at all productive in any way. Although my husband will argue that, 

"It's like building our business baby. I mean look.... when you get money you upgrade your stuff and train your team to be better. Then you have to build back up again after you spend it... the cycle goes on. So one day we will have a nice big shop with the best plumbing team in Omaha if we keep investing in them." 

I guess he kind of has a point but I sure do hope we don't get attacked by other "villages" and they destroy everything we've built..... 

Anyways so yeah... that's where my blog writing time has been spent....... I'm sorry I feel like I've been cheating on you. Just for the record as soon as I am done writing this post I will be deleting that app off my phone because, as with SUGAR, it's a toxin in my life and it's taking away from things I REALLY want and need to be doing to make my dreams a reality.

As you know if you've been following me (start here if you'd like) I've been doing a 21 day (almost) no processed sugar... normally I will post my meals for the day and chit chat about whatever comes out of my head. 

I just want you to know I have NOT ventured to eating sugar these past 4 days and haven't gone off my challenge... (yay! be proud!) I am not going to post my food today though (maybe next time).


**WARNING** This might get a little mushy and personal from here out. The reason I share all this with you is because I realize how fake and unrealistic the world is (says the girl whose photoshopped face is on the side of her husbands plumbing truck right? stop it! it's marketing and fun!) I'd like to be real with you in hopes not only does it bring value to you but also, maybe someone, somewhere is reading this and they need to know they are not alone in life or in their feelings. 

Back to the crazy ex-girlfriend..... so as you found out last week in this blog... I went to my first counseling session to explore EMDR type of therapy with my husband...

I had my 2nd appointment this past week (remember I'm more crazy than he is)... it made me realize.....I really was a crazy girlfriend at one point in my life (So that would make me the crazy ex-girlfriend right?). 

haha.... yes I remember these days. 

Not just in boy/girl relationships but also in other relationships as well. I wont go into details but I WILL say I didn't realize it at the time... 

Yes I DO realize I was young, it was NOT all my fault (by any means).... a relationship takes 2 people wanting & working to be together. 

I also realize I clearly wasn't supposed to be with these people. As they were brought into my life as leverage to bring me to where I am today and where they belong as well. Now I have this amazing beautiful life I never imagined I'd ever have or believed I deserved. 

Natasha Barker Photography 

You may be wondering where on earth I am going with this...

This sounds so cliche  but everything happens for a reason....seriously you HAVE got to look at your life this way. 

My last appointment opened my eyes to realize I pushed (and still do) so many people away because of all the abuse I had in my younger years (My parents did the best they could. I do not blame any of this on them anymore. Most all of this happened outside of their control in and out of foster homes.)

I didn't believe I deserved to be loved, I didn't believe I deserved to be successful, I didn't believe I was good enough. I wasn't happy with myself. 

I ended up with an eating disorder and an attachment disorder. I wasn't happy with who I was.. I tried so hard to be but I didn't know how. I had this little girl inside me trying to get out so as i have gotten older my little girl comes out into my thoughts and feelings of anxiousness, self doubt and fear. 

This last session also made me realize that is why so many relationships I wanted so bad to succeed did not ... not just because they weren't right for me but also because I wasn't happy with myself. That shows... even if you're really good at hiding it it will eventually come out. 

You cannot be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with yourself.

Side note: I like to think I came up with this quote because I googled it and it hasn't been deemed yet... there are others similar but not word for word.... you know what this means right?

TWEETABLE! @Lallenia #Lallenia Yeah buddy!! (do it!)

Being happy with yourself is something that is a struggle for millions of people. I am starting to realize this is a choice. No one makes you happy but you. No matter what life you have been through, how much money you have and how many friends. 

People can make you feel happy when you're around them and material things can make you feel better about yourself but in the end it is your choice. If you struggle with this... go find help and don't give up if you don't mesh with the first person or thing you try. 

This is the reason I workout, try my hardest to eat healthier and now go to therapy is because these are things I can control in my life and they help to make me happier and a better person. I feel strong and capable when I make healthy choices mentally and physically. 

Also remember that everything you go through is for a reason. You may not think so at the time and it may be really hard and a HUGE struggle but I promise you it will lead you to where you need to be and who you need to be with.... and with a story to tell along the way =) Everyone has a story. 

This is just a snip of my story I shared today in hopes it will help someone who maybe is that crazy girlfriend (or boyfriend) or there is something inside you feeling anxious or self doubt...... take a deep breath, get in your "happy" place and realize You cannot be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with yourself. 

Go out there take chances, make mistakes, don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to fail. 

Also if you see a young person or child who looks alone in the world and sad.... tell them they are beautiful, smart and important.. That they are placed on this earth because they are very special. These words (even if from a stranger) will stick in their head and help them believe they were put on this earth for a reason. It will help them not to give up or get sucked into the life they were given.... trust me I know this as I am one of those children.

Thanks for reading and remember to always keep yourself happy (healthy), fit, and fabulous!!

Love you!

XoXo

*Lallenia*

Guilty.....

Guilty As Charged!

So it has been a few weeks since I have last posted anything up here… ok ok more like a few months!

What's been going on?? How am I doing? I know you are wondering because I have gotten a few messages ;-)

Lets see... if we back track to after I competed in my first bikini competition I honestly thought I would maybe eat a few naughty meals then get right back on the healthy eating wagon. Wrong. I actually couldn’t stop eating for like 2 weeks. Then of course the holidays hit so I just kept eating. WHAT IN THE WORLD????  Where is the healthy fun fit  fabulous Lallenia!? I guess I fell captive to thinking I just wanted to be “normal.” 

GUILTY.

Yes that’s me.

I’m guilty of falling off the strict diet & training wagon after my show November 3^rd, 2012.

I’m guilty of feeling a little depressed due to not being able to workout for a month.

AND I’m guilty of being missing in action to people that matter to me the most.

I’ve received a bunch emails, texts and FB messages from my family, friends and followers after my Bikini competition. (If you’d like to: check out how it went here.)  And after this last email (which was a swift kick in the butt) I figured I better get back to being myself.

This last email I received kicked me in the butt because a follower actually asked me to inspire her again and she missed me. I told her I was going through a rough place and was a little embarrassed I haven't been myself… she said. “So? Tell us about it. You’re so honest and people need to see this is life and it’s not a reason to give up or stop doing what you love. You have a gift Lallenia, please use it and don’t be embarrassed. We love you, please come back.” Amazing, isn't she?? 

Here are a few of the questions I’ve received (which I will address below)

1.     Where did I go?

2.     What is my next adventure/challenge?

3.     Will I continue to pursue this competition and fitness modeling adventure (um...thank you for that by the way!)?

4.     How has everything been going after my dieting and battles with my bulimia?

So guess what? I AM BACK! (Insert fist pump here)

I am guilty of over indulging a little bit too much after my show. I had some of fun eating with my BFF the following two weeks after the show.

Yes this is a typical picture of us ;-) 

 I started feeling really icky and decided it was time to clean up my act again.

In December I started to focus on gaining muscle and was doing my best to stick to my diet plan 80% of the time. I felt awesome, gained a little weight back (duh) and started really seeing some strength and performance results in the gym! I LOVED it!

To be honest I was looking forward to starting my blog again to tell you I am going to do another competition on May 18^th because I really feel like I know what to expect from myself and wanted to look even better. I had it all planned out and wanted to go even more in depth about it for you all. So yes I really enjoyed it and would like to do another some day (as of right now).

Well as life goes…. 
In Mid January I started feeling really weird and had this pain in my right ovary. I was told it was ovulation pain…. WHAT? I didn’t even know this existed! (Of course you’re talking to the girl who didn’t know she was pregnant for most of her 1^st trimester with her son). It started to hurt really bad when I would do intense workouts, run or jump rope. (Basically everything I love) It turns out I had a small cyst that had formed. (No baby…)

This is it except it was my right side. 

I never knew these could be so painful! So I was not able to workout much and felt as if my hormones were completely out of whack. I’ve always been in tune with my workouts and how food affects my performance but I’ve never paid attention to the “womanly” stuff. I just thought of it as really annoying (it is, seriously).

I was so sad to find out I wasn’t pregnant because hubby & I were secretly hoping we were. My doctor placed me on a hormone to help get rid of the cyst and maybe even help get pregnant. (Eeeee!!!!!) I find out next week!!! (My cycle is really long that’s why it’s taken so long to “try” for those of you that are all about this way of planning and were wondering)

In the meantime I was told by my doctor to cut back on most cardio besides walking and cut back on intense workouts. Which blew my mind because I worked out for pretty much all of my pregnancy with this cute little guy!

i laugh out loud every time i see this picture!
What a funny little boy we have!

When I told my husband she said that; he said, “So listen to her, she has her job for a reason just like you have yours.” (ok ok good point, leave it to him)

So the million dollar questions, “have I kept in shape after my show and did I return to my eating disorder???”  You know that’s why you’re reading this.

After I went on my binge eating for a few weeks I got myself right back on top of things. When I started feeling icky from my girl issues and couldn’t workout anymore I became depressed. 

Working out to me is like brushing my teeth, if I don’t do it I feel gross and disgusting. Just like some girls have to wear make up and do their hair everyday… I have to do some form of physical activity to feel confident. I am sure my husband sometimes wishes it was hair and make up because he gets pretty excited when I DO take the time to do it. I am not saying a I am a slob (i do shower everyday) I just normally have my hair up and usually only use mascara IF that 6 of the 7 days a week.

So I became depressed for about a month and did nothing as far as working out expect my cycle class I teach once a week (which was cancelled due to snow 2 times during that period). I would do some lightweights here and there as well. Naturally I am going to gain some weight from my routine changing and not cutting back on calories. 

Since my show I have gained about 10-12lbs (depending on the day). A lot of this is due to me being depressed about not working out as much or as hard as i'd like to from the Dr telling me not to until I get pregnant. She said that the weight gain is good for me to have on. It will increase my chances of getting pregnant. (I am still a little weary about this but I will let her do her job)

Am I:

A.    Upset with myself?

B.    Sad about gaining weight?

C.    Depressed?

D.    All of the above?

E.    None of the above?

And the winner goes to E.! NONE of the above!

WHAT? 

How can that be? 

After all my CAREER and lifestyle is all about the way I present myself and what I do right??? 

Right. 

The bigger picture for ME that is going to help and inspire MORE people; I haven’t struggled with my bulimia since my show. To be honest this is why I have gained a little bit of weight. If I overeat I don’t go throw up anymore (I know i know... gross. Don't try it) nor do I workout extra the next day to make up for it. Even though I’d like to think I eat pretty dang healthy I can still over consume the calories. (NO this doesn't mean go do that stuff if you're trying to lose weight!! it's a horrible cycle to be stuck in & WON'T make you happy or fit!!! If you've been following me you'll have learned I am healthier and stronger when i am not trapped in this cycle.)

It feels so awesome to not be SO obsessed with trying to hide that part of my life. Even though it wasn’t something I did everyday it was still something I was embarrassed/ashamed about. And to have gone through this time of being depressed and NOT falling back into old habits is so awesome to me and totally worth the extra weight gain. After all I AM a trainer and LOVE to workout and eat healthy it’s not like I don’t know what I am doing if i wanted to lose it again the RIGHT way. 

It has made me realize what it REALLY means to make a mental transformation. I have mentally conquered my eating disorder. I am not saying I don’t think about it ever but when I do I am able to mentally tell myself “No way Lallenia, you’re not doing that to your body ever again.” and then I'm done. I don't go back and forth I just simply tell myself no. 

It’s also made me discover that one cannot make a physical transformation without making a mental transformation as well.  Think about it. You have got to mentally change your thinking in order to change you behaviors.

I also must admit I was trying SO hard to work on getting a bigger butt... and well my weight has distributed nicely I have to say! So that's also a little exciting! My poor jeans... what am i talking about? I don't wear jeans. 

A little quote I have been obsessed with lately:

You can't do anything about yesterday.

The door to the past has been shut & the key thrown away.

You can do nothing about tomorrow,

however tomorrow is in large part a factor of what you're doing today.

(Now re-read that slower.... really go do it.... it makes more sense the 2nd or 3rd time....)

ahhh haa... Are you nodding your head in agreement?? Right!? SO TRUE!!!!!!!!! I mean I didn’t gain weight in a night… it took 3 months of not paying as much attention. Same with losing weight… it takes making the right decisions and having self control and discipline. If I make ONLY good decisions but lack discipline I will fail. Same with if I have the discipline but lack the right decisions. I must do both in order to achieve the results I want.

In conclusion, I am pretty happy with who i am right now no matter what the scale tells me. I still like to use it to keep myself in check so I don't go crazy but I can still jump on a 3-4 foot box, chest press 45lb dumbbells 6-8 times, do a few pull ups, pump out 10-15 push ups, and run a mile in under 8 minutes.

 So No I'm not "out of shape" from a physical stand point and my gut doesn't hang over pants by any means I just look a little fuller. If I want to trim up a little more I know what to do and how to do it in a healthy way but I also am not going to obsess over not having a six pack or be depressed because i don't look like a model on the fitness magazine everyday. 

From a mental standpoint I am able to control my thoughts so much better and I am able to realize that no one else, no perfect body, and no magic pill will make me happy. It is my choice to be happy. And yes working out & eating nutritious are my drugs of choice to help =) 

AS far as my next challenge: I have 2:

 # 1 I want to become certified to teach body pump classes.... i went through the training this past weekend and have 90 days to send in a video of me teaching it so I can have my own class. I struggle with matching the choreography with the music so.... this is ENTIRELY out of my comfort zone!!! Which will make me learn and grow YAY! 

# 2.... I know you already know.... I want a baby in my belly by my birthday this year and have a natural child birth if all things go as planned. ;-) 

That's all for now but I WILL be back soon!

Until then Keep yourself Healthy, Fit, & Fabulous!!

*Lallenia*