I feel like my whole world crashed down...

It's been a while hasn't it??

Like FOREVER!! 

I miss my blogging and think about it often. About once a week I log in to open up my account and start writing but then I just delete it and go about my day... why?? 

Well, honestly... I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and frustrated. 

Since I ran my half marathon in September 2013 a lot has taken place. If you've ever read one of my blogs I am usually over here super hyped up on caffeine, blogging about a current workout challenge I am doing, diet I am trying out or complaining that all my friends are getting pregnant and I am not. (True story... but I am SO blessed to have my Wy guy!)

Well.... unfortunately this is NOT a pregnancy announcement... nope. The only reason I am writing this right now is because I feel like I am called too... I keep trying to avoid it but every night for the past week it's been on my mind to the point it's hard to sleep. So here we go... I guess I've shared so much of my struggles already in the blogging world I might as well share my current situation... 

Are you feeling the suspense yet??? (Keep reading) 

Let me track back to my half marathon.... during my training for that and after I was getting into kettle bells and Olympic weight lifting. Which I LOVED. So everything I say write from here out don't you think for a minute I am bashing this type of training got it?? I know I have lots of cross fitter friends....

If you have followed me or know me personally you know I have had shoulder surgery on BOTH my shoulders already. (Yuck) Well after my 1st surgery on my right arm (Jan 6th 2011) I did all my Physical therapy and I went back into my regular fitness routine thinking I was back to 100% and pushing myself even if I was in a little bit of pain here and there. After all fitness was my LIFE. It's all I knew and loved. 

Around August of last year my shoulder started to REALLY bother me.... like bad. It hurt when I ran, did push ups, pull ups, pretty much anything except rowing exercises but I just worked through it. Later down the road in October 2013 I believe  I was doing an Olympic lift called a jerk (with a good amount of weight for me!) and then.... SNAP. My right shoulder subluxed. I tried physical therapy. It was still incredibly painful. I went to my doctor and he said lets just schedule a quick scope to clean it up; maybe you have a scar tissue issue. 

I went in Feb 7th 2014. Turned out my 3 anchors in there were popped out (no wonder I hurt so bad!) They had to put 5 more anchors in and do a reconstruction. 

9 weeks later I am just starting to get to get a good range of motion without such significant pain. It's been a LONG ride. I was just given the OK to "jog" for 20-30 min this week.... urgh that's been a hard journey. I haven't worked out since around Christmas so I feel horribly out of shape. I have been tracking my "runs" so I can see progress. I am WAY slower than I've been in a long time but it has been since about October 2013 since I've really ran because my shoulder hurt so bad. Getting back into has been SO HARD!! 

I will get my 7:45 - 8 min mile back! 

I can't wait until they give me the OK to teach cycle class!! I miss that SO much! 

Here we go... the REAL reason for this blog.... be prepared to be shocked.... I sure was... ha... still AM. I'm still slightly freaked out by this. 

I now know how annoying it is when you find something out that's not exactly the best news in the world then people make it worst by saying, "Oh it's OK you'll be fine don't worry about it..." or "You're so strong and been through so much already you can get through this too." or in a fake I don't care tone, "Awe I am so sorry you poor thing..."

SHUT the F* UP!!!! 

It's NOT fine. 

It's NOT OK. 

NO. You DON'T understand. 

Please just stop telling me I am strong and will make it through. 

Right now I just want to be in my hole and sulk for a little bit.  

This is how I felt when my doctor told me I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) then proceeds to tell me I need to get checked for Type 2 diabetes because I have insulin resistance issues as well which is also linked to heart disease. 

(Long pause) 

REALLY!!!??????!!!!!?????

This is the LAST thing I could possibly have EVER thought to happen to ME. I wanted to punch him in the face... although it wasn't his fault... and i really like the guy. I was just SO taken back. 

Out of all people... I just don't get it. Forgive me if I sound arrogant or biased but I mean my LIFE for so long has been revolved around trying to stay healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have had to fight some serious demons throughout my life... so why this too?? I just don't get it. 

I am married to an incredible man and we have THE cutest little man who makes us laugh everyday...

How cute are they???

... I mean I have wanted this my WHOLE life... just to have my OWN family where I am able to feel like I belong for once in my life. Now I feel like my whole world crashed down. 

Writing this right now makes me sound like a complete drama queen. Forgive me. 

SO I found this out about 4 weeks ago.... I was really upset and went into a little depression for a while. It was horrible timing because my way to release frustration is to workout but I couldn't because of my shoulder. 

It's gotten better to handle and I am REALLY glad I found this all out and had my annual exam because if I didn't figure this out soon who knows how bad my disease(s) would get. 

It's crazy I was oblivious to all this until now. I have only a few symptoms for PCOS. My doctor was actually taken back by this as well as I do not fit the usual population that has this. But clear as day, he did an ultra sound and I had the classic case. This would be the reason I haven't had luck getting pregnant again... (It’s not from lack of trying!!) 

ha.... seriously. 

Below is the list of symptoms and the ones I have are in red. Also a diagram of what it is in case you're curious. 

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating.
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
• Cysts on the ovaries
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• Pelvic pain
• Anxiety or depression
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep

Now Type 2 diabetes was a little harder to determine (so I thought) UNTIL I went through the checklist: 

1. Urinating often 

2. Feeling very thirsty 

3. Feeling very hungry - even though you are eating 

4. Extreme fatigue 

5. Blurry vision 

6. Cuts/bruises that is slow to heal 

7. Weight loss - even though you are eating more (type 1) 

8. Tingling, pain, or numbness in the hands/feet (type 2) 

Sure enough 6 out of 8 symptoms of common diabetes symptoms I have: 

I always thought 1 & 2 was because I drank a lot of water so that made me go potty more and the fact I was fatigued often was because I woke up so early to teach boot camps and I worked out... I associated this with me feeling fatigued to the point I often need a nap or sleep early. I also thought my workouts made me hungrier.

I've had blurry vision for as long as I can remember. I get a tingling sensation in my hands and feet sometimes. I thought this was normal as well.

Looking back after doing TONS of research now... it ALL makes sense.

I've always had a hard time with foods that have higher sugar content. Basically too much sugar is like poison to the body especially for someone who has an insulin resistance problem.

The reason I say this makes sense is because I get really light headed, fatigue, flushed and really anxious when I eat a lot of carbohydrates especially higher in sugar. I always associated this with my bulimia past. I thought it was because I was nervous it would send me into a downward spiral and go back into old habits. 

Nope.

There's so much that comes into play I could write all day!! (You can imagine how obsessed I've been) My doctor told me and after doing my own research I actually could have had insulin problems since I was younger and it very well could've been the cause for my binge eating episodes. I controlled it because for the most part (aside from my bulimia issue that was on and off) I worked out and ate relatively healthy so it was not as predominate as it could've been had I not worked out or tried to eat healthy. I really believe working out has saved my life now more than ever. 

I know what you're thinking. How can you NOT know Lallenia!? This is serious! 

Honestly I never knew because my life growing up was so crazy I never had annual exams or went to the doctor unless I HAD too. Honestly this is my FIRST annual exam... ever.  

I will tell you if you do not get annual exams... start getting them. Don't wait. If you feel like something is not right... it isn't. Please don't be like me and just blow it off thinking, Oh I am fine... this is just normal. After asking people how they feel when they eat high carbohydrate food I see my symptoms are not normal. I've had irregular periods for as long as I can remember but didn't even think twice about it. I figured it was because I worked out. Nope. I should have had this all figured out by the time I was 18... but I didn't know any better. 

The reason I am sharing all this to the world is to raise awareness. I don't need your sympathy. Really... I don't. Instead please go get your annual exams... get your butt moving more and stop eating so much junk. There's so much more that goes into all this that this is just a brief over view but I really hope by addressing this, it will open the eyes up for you and will make you become more aware of your bodies and get healthier. Even if you think you ARE healthy.... get checked out. You just never know.... If you have a friend dealing with this... for goodness sakes please stop bringing the donuts and cakes... that's NOT helping them. 

I promise to keep you updated on this and will start writing a weekly blog about how I am coping. It helps me to write and in turn I believe it will help someone else out there that may be going through this as well. 

Please remember this is all VERY new to me so if I am not explaining something correctly or thoroughly and you happen to be an expert help me out and don't hate on me. 

OK that's all for now... I need to go walk this "little" fellow right here... he keeps slobbering on me...

Keep yourself Healthy, Fit and Fabulous!!
*Lallenia*