Never again.....

NEVER AGAIN

Have you heard the Kelly Clarkson song called Never Again? (If not check it out here!)

I was thinking this ALOT these last few months.... Never again!

HA!! No, this not about my ex-boyfriend... (juuuuust kidding... kinda...) 

I am so BLOWN away by the response I received from my last blog post!!!  I honestly did not expect that kind of response and a few who reached out really took me off guard. To those who reached out and shared a similar challenge THANK YOU! I no longer feel so alone and scared.

Really.... WOW!! 

So after that week I learned a few Never Agains (feel free to add them to the beat of the song like i did):

"Never again will I judge you,

Never again will I think less of you,

Never again will I believe what's said about you.....

Never again....." 

This struggle of mine has turned into a major life awakening. I learned I had people categorized, judged, or on a pedestal. After opening up about my issues; I had women from all shapes and sizes reach out and have some kind of struggle that is causing them issues with fertility, weight loss, weight gain, hormone imbalances, and other things. 

I remember in my early days as a trainer (honestly up until this) I would think it's not that hard to get in shape & be healthy! Just eat less and move more. 

That's not always the case, it is MUCH bigger than that when it comes to becoming healthy. I can't tell you how many women I see at the gym who are stronger & faster than me and yet a few sizes bigger or smaller than me. I also know many "skinny" or "fit" women that are VERY unhealthy and "heavier" women who are healthier (& happier) than I could ever be.

(Photo credit to Glamour Magazine)

I found this picture and it really resonated with me. We need to STOP judging people based on their size and shape because each person fights their own battle of some kind. It sounds so cliche but everyone has their own struggles and challenges no matter what they look like on the outside or via social media.  

I wish I could tell you after my last post I felt so empowered that I've been successful with controlling my dietary & exercise habits.... FALSE.

I've been in some kind of denial or rebellious mission.

Overview of shoulder progress:

My PT told me my shoulder was inflamed & stop running or do  anything that may affect my shoulder. So of course, reluctantly, I stop all activity AGAIN. At this point I am about 18 weeks out from my surgery... In my mind... that's a LONG time I should be able to workout again!

Then Tuesday May 13th at 5:12pm I reach to let my son out of his car seat (like I have been doing for a few weeks since I've had that range of motion) and SNAP! My shoulder makes a pop, my hand goes numb, and I just screamed and bursted into tears. (my poor soon now makes sure i don't reach behind me and asks me to get out of the car to let him out so I don't hurt myself... sweet little boy)

I've had a little bit of set back clearly. My shoulder is not healing as fast as I want it to (23 weeks now)... meaning I am unable to get back into working out hardcore. If you know me.... I NEED to workout. I need to sweat, I need to push myself. 

This is a throw back picture to when I was  28 weeks out of my first surgery in 2011.  It's hard to believe I was able to workout and move so well that soon after my surgery! A side plank with one leg... SO much shoulder stability! AND on my right shoulder..... CRAZY I tell ya! 

i miss it

Saying these last few months have been hard would be an understatement. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep or just screamed out of frustration because I just want to feel like myself again. (It doesn't help I work from my basement and my puppy (yes puppy... ) just looks at me like I'm crazy all day & chews up everything...)

"what do you mean I'm not supposed to chew up this bat...
and the pillow, and the blanket......" oh Zuek! 

I was talking to my handsome hubby about this and he said."I know this is hard for you but I love you no matter what. Besides, look at how great you are at this marketing & learning how to run a business. You're making things happen for us, I couldn't do this without you. If you didn't have this surgery and were so wrapped up in yourself, clients, and workouts we wouldn't be making such big strides with Big Birge Plumbing Co."

Of course he says that right??

 The more I have been reflecting on this journey the more I am realizing that life has a weird way of leading you where you need to be going. Yes. I feel like I am entirely out of shape.... bad. The good thing is I've not gained a lot of weight I just feel flabby and weak.... I hate it.

I do however LOVE how much time I have been putting towards learning, growing and developing a business and myself with my husband and our team! 

We even had an article published about us a month ago in the Omaha Magazines B2B summer issue about our Marketing. It really confirmed to me that yes this is where I need to be with my life. (but it's not all glitter and gold.....) 

(read the article HERE on page 13 & 14)

I HATE the picture they picked for page 14.... yuck...I look OLD and gross but whatever. I guess I can't complain too much as it is publicity for our business. I will post something about my experience with this in my NEW blog and my website called "A Plumbers Wife"..... THERE.... I said it!!!

So... I've been working on this idea and business model for a while. I have yet to put it out there because I don't feel ready BUT when will I EVER feel ready?? 

Here's my logo....(one of them)

eeeeeek!!!!!! What do you think??? 

I am smiling from ear to ear because I know I am so far from where I want to be but I am SO excited to go on this journey and share my experiences with you! From here out I will be blogging, making videos, and podcasts about my life as a plumbers wife! (how fun is that?) 

I am in the process of setting up my social media accounts for this. But you can "like" my FB page right now if you'd like... I'd love it if you did!! That will help me get going on it sooner! My website is also in the works! 

If you're wondering what exactly this will be: it will be about my experiences running a business with my husband and the ups and downs of it all. I feel like not many people really share all sides of the business or their lives in the process. 

As I start blogging and creating content who knows... maybe  eventually get into coaching & consulting! I am a crazy person about learning and growing and a coach by nature.... =) 

I really believe this is all happening because there is a point where you have to find balance and stop comparing yourself to the rest of the world and be the BEST you. I used to compare myself so much to other women and feel bad about myself image, my job, my family, my house, my car, ect. Well now I say screw ALL that! This struggle has shown me I need to be the BEST ME! Not the best fitness model, mom, wife, laundry folder, cook, bookkeeper... but ME! 

There is a quote I have been saying to myself lately I came up with.... Who you are today is NOT who you have to be tomorrow. 

You do NOT have to be who you were yesterday! If you don't like something about yourself or want a better life... the only person stopping you from becoming better is ... YOU!!!!

Yes! I am struggling with the fact I can't workout much but that doesn't mean I need to sit here and cry about it all day and eat Ben & Jerry's (oh but Americone Dream ... YUM!!) 

I know working out and eating healthy is what I do... it doesn't mean it's who I AM... it IS apart of me but that doesn't mean I can't grow and develop other parts of me as well to mold into the person I dream about becoming. 

I have learned life is REALLY, truly what you make of it and what you envision for yourself. 

I could keep going on and talk all about how I had to get a cortisone shot in my shoulder and passed out in the Dr. office but what fun would that be?? (Ha. True story. I am a WUSS)

Now that i have let it known to my peeps (that's YOU!) about A Plumbers Wife.... I better get over there and start working on my next adventure in life huh? If you could be so kind and "like" my facebook page or "follow" my tweets, I would be so giddy over it! And maybe even share it with someone you know who may want to be a part of the awesome community I'll be creating.

As always... Keep yourself healthy, fit and fabulous!
And don't forget to PLUNGE into the life of a plumbers wife =)

*Lallenia*

I feel like my whole world crashed down...

It's been a while hasn't it??

Like FOREVER!! 

I miss my blogging and think about it often. About once a week I log in to open up my account and start writing but then I just delete it and go about my day... why?? 

Well, honestly... I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and frustrated. 

Since I ran my half marathon in September 2013 a lot has taken place. If you've ever read one of my blogs I am usually over here super hyped up on caffeine, blogging about a current workout challenge I am doing, diet I am trying out or complaining that all my friends are getting pregnant and I am not. (True story... but I am SO blessed to have my Wy guy!)

Well.... unfortunately this is NOT a pregnancy announcement... nope. The only reason I am writing this right now is because I feel like I am called too... I keep trying to avoid it but every night for the past week it's been on my mind to the point it's hard to sleep. So here we go... I guess I've shared so much of my struggles already in the blogging world I might as well share my current situation... 

Are you feeling the suspense yet??? (Keep reading) 

Let me track back to my half marathon.... during my training for that and after I was getting into kettle bells and Olympic weight lifting. Which I LOVED. So everything I say write from here out don't you think for a minute I am bashing this type of training got it?? I know I have lots of cross fitter friends....

If you have followed me or know me personally you know I have had shoulder surgery on BOTH my shoulders already. (Yuck) Well after my 1st surgery on my right arm (Jan 6th 2011) I did all my Physical therapy and I went back into my regular fitness routine thinking I was back to 100% and pushing myself even if I was in a little bit of pain here and there. After all fitness was my LIFE. It's all I knew and loved. 

Around August of last year my shoulder started to REALLY bother me.... like bad. It hurt when I ran, did push ups, pull ups, pretty much anything except rowing exercises but I just worked through it. Later down the road in October 2013 I believe  I was doing an Olympic lift called a jerk (with a good amount of weight for me!) and then.... SNAP. My right shoulder subluxed. I tried physical therapy. It was still incredibly painful. I went to my doctor and he said lets just schedule a quick scope to clean it up; maybe you have a scar tissue issue. 

I went in Feb 7th 2014. Turned out my 3 anchors in there were popped out (no wonder I hurt so bad!) They had to put 5 more anchors in and do a reconstruction. 

9 weeks later I am just starting to get to get a good range of motion without such significant pain. It's been a LONG ride. I was just given the OK to "jog" for 20-30 min this week.... urgh that's been a hard journey. I haven't worked out since around Christmas so I feel horribly out of shape. I have been tracking my "runs" so I can see progress. I am WAY slower than I've been in a long time but it has been since about October 2013 since I've really ran because my shoulder hurt so bad. Getting back into has been SO HARD!! 

I will get my 7:45 - 8 min mile back! 

I can't wait until they give me the OK to teach cycle class!! I miss that SO much! 

Here we go... the REAL reason for this blog.... be prepared to be shocked.... I sure was... ha... still AM. I'm still slightly freaked out by this. 

I now know how annoying it is when you find something out that's not exactly the best news in the world then people make it worst by saying, "Oh it's OK you'll be fine don't worry about it..." or "You're so strong and been through so much already you can get through this too." or in a fake I don't care tone, "Awe I am so sorry you poor thing..."

SHUT the F* UP!!!! 

It's NOT fine. 

It's NOT OK. 

NO. You DON'T understand. 

Please just stop telling me I am strong and will make it through. 

Right now I just want to be in my hole and sulk for a little bit.  

This is how I felt when my doctor told me I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) then proceeds to tell me I need to get checked for Type 2 diabetes because I have insulin resistance issues as well which is also linked to heart disease. 

(Long pause) 

REALLY!!!??????!!!!!?????

This is the LAST thing I could possibly have EVER thought to happen to ME. I wanted to punch him in the face... although it wasn't his fault... and i really like the guy. I was just SO taken back. 

Out of all people... I just don't get it. Forgive me if I sound arrogant or biased but I mean my LIFE for so long has been revolved around trying to stay healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have had to fight some serious demons throughout my life... so why this too?? I just don't get it. 

I am married to an incredible man and we have THE cutest little man who makes us laugh everyday...

How cute are they???

... I mean I have wanted this my WHOLE life... just to have my OWN family where I am able to feel like I belong for once in my life. Now I feel like my whole world crashed down. 

Writing this right now makes me sound like a complete drama queen. Forgive me. 

SO I found this out about 4 weeks ago.... I was really upset and went into a little depression for a while. It was horrible timing because my way to release frustration is to workout but I couldn't because of my shoulder. 

It's gotten better to handle and I am REALLY glad I found this all out and had my annual exam because if I didn't figure this out soon who knows how bad my disease(s) would get. 

It's crazy I was oblivious to all this until now. I have only a few symptoms for PCOS. My doctor was actually taken back by this as well as I do not fit the usual population that has this. But clear as day, he did an ultra sound and I had the classic case. This would be the reason I haven't had luck getting pregnant again... (It’s not from lack of trying!!) 

ha.... seriously. 

Below is the list of symptoms and the ones I have are in red. Also a diagram of what it is in case you're curious. 

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating.
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
• Cysts on the ovaries
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• Pelvic pain
• Anxiety or depression
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep

Now Type 2 diabetes was a little harder to determine (so I thought) UNTIL I went through the checklist: 

1. Urinating often 

2. Feeling very thirsty 

3. Feeling very hungry - even though you are eating 

4. Extreme fatigue 

5. Blurry vision 

6. Cuts/bruises that is slow to heal 

7. Weight loss - even though you are eating more (type 1) 

8. Tingling, pain, or numbness in the hands/feet (type 2) 

Sure enough 6 out of 8 symptoms of common diabetes symptoms I have: 

I always thought 1 & 2 was because I drank a lot of water so that made me go potty more and the fact I was fatigued often was because I woke up so early to teach boot camps and I worked out... I associated this with me feeling fatigued to the point I often need a nap or sleep early. I also thought my workouts made me hungrier.

I've had blurry vision for as long as I can remember. I get a tingling sensation in my hands and feet sometimes. I thought this was normal as well.

Looking back after doing TONS of research now... it ALL makes sense.

I've always had a hard time with foods that have higher sugar content. Basically too much sugar is like poison to the body especially for someone who has an insulin resistance problem.

The reason I say this makes sense is because I get really light headed, fatigue, flushed and really anxious when I eat a lot of carbohydrates especially higher in sugar. I always associated this with my bulimia past. I thought it was because I was nervous it would send me into a downward spiral and go back into old habits. 

Nope.

There's so much that comes into play I could write all day!! (You can imagine how obsessed I've been) My doctor told me and after doing my own research I actually could have had insulin problems since I was younger and it very well could've been the cause for my binge eating episodes. I controlled it because for the most part (aside from my bulimia issue that was on and off) I worked out and ate relatively healthy so it was not as predominate as it could've been had I not worked out or tried to eat healthy. I really believe working out has saved my life now more than ever. 

I know what you're thinking. How can you NOT know Lallenia!? This is serious! 

Honestly I never knew because my life growing up was so crazy I never had annual exams or went to the doctor unless I HAD too. Honestly this is my FIRST annual exam... ever.  

I will tell you if you do not get annual exams... start getting them. Don't wait. If you feel like something is not right... it isn't. Please don't be like me and just blow it off thinking, Oh I am fine... this is just normal. After asking people how they feel when they eat high carbohydrate food I see my symptoms are not normal. I've had irregular periods for as long as I can remember but didn't even think twice about it. I figured it was because I worked out. Nope. I should have had this all figured out by the time I was 18... but I didn't know any better. 

The reason I am sharing all this to the world is to raise awareness. I don't need your sympathy. Really... I don't. Instead please go get your annual exams... get your butt moving more and stop eating so much junk. There's so much more that goes into all this that this is just a brief over view but I really hope by addressing this, it will open the eyes up for you and will make you become more aware of your bodies and get healthier. Even if you think you ARE healthy.... get checked out. You just never know.... If you have a friend dealing with this... for goodness sakes please stop bringing the donuts and cakes... that's NOT helping them. 

I promise to keep you updated on this and will start writing a weekly blog about how I am coping. It helps me to write and in turn I believe it will help someone else out there that may be going through this as well. 

Please remember this is all VERY new to me so if I am not explaining something correctly or thoroughly and you happen to be an expert help me out and don't hate on me. 

OK that's all for now... I need to go walk this "little" fellow right here... he keeps slobbering on me...

Keep yourself Healthy, Fit and Fabulous!!
*Lallenia*