The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend....

Didn't I tell you in my last post it was hard to blog everyday?? 

It is... especially when your husband introduces you to Clash of Clans....... (stop laughing at me)

Now normally I am not a big TV watcher or video game player as it annoys the crap out of me and I feel like I'm wasting my life away.....

Last week I noticed my husband was on his phone more than usual (as he's normally only on it for business if people call or text). He doesn't have a Facebook account and never uses the business Instagram (even though I tell him he needs too!) 

I was feeling a little curious suspicious.... you know like the crazy girlfriend who has to know all your passwords to everything so she can check on you to make sure you aren't cheating on her right? 

Like you've never been (or had) one of those....

I didn't think my husband was cheating on me and I didn't go through his phone... I've learned from past relationships if that's something I feel I have to do he probably was is... 

Nope. I didn't go all crazy ex-girlfriend style on him (that never really panned out for me)... I simply asked what he was doing ... 

seriously... who knew talking to a guy at a normal level actually works??? (therapy must be working) 

Convo: 

Me, "Hi honey.... so what exactly are you doing on your phone all the time lately?"

Juuuuuuust kidding!!.... I REALLY said in a annoyed tone, "Why are you wasting so much time on your phone?"

His eyes lit up as he showed me the game and how awesome his village is.

I rolled my eyes and said, "you know how much stuff we could get done in the Smart Success course we are taking if you stopped wasting your time on that silly stupid game??"

A few days later he was talking about this “clan” he and some of the guys from the Big Birge Plumbing Team were in… I was feeling left out. A few days ago I decided to download it just to see what all the fuss was about.  

Then he told me our foreman said I should join their clan jokingly. Knowing I probably wouldn’t… I wanted to surprise them and join their clan so I could fit in. So I figured out how to do it and how it worked…. 

Worst. Mistake. EVER!

 As I am writing this I am nervous someone is going to “attack” my village and steal my gold!! (sigh)

I got sucked in. 

I'm embarrassed by it because it's not at all productive in any way. Although my husband will argue that, 

"It's like building our business baby. I mean look.... when you get money you upgrade your stuff and train your team to be better. Then you have to build back up again after you spend it... the cycle goes on. So one day we will have a nice big shop with the best plumbing team in Omaha if we keep investing in them." 

I guess he kind of has a point but I sure do hope we don't get attacked by other "villages" and they destroy everything we've built..... 

Anyways so yeah... that's where my blog writing time has been spent....... I'm sorry I feel like I've been cheating on you. Just for the record as soon as I am done writing this post I will be deleting that app off my phone because, as with SUGAR, it's a toxin in my life and it's taking away from things I REALLY want and need to be doing to make my dreams a reality.

As you know if you've been following me (start here if you'd like) I've been doing a 21 day (almost) no processed sugar... normally I will post my meals for the day and chit chat about whatever comes out of my head. 

I just want you to know I have NOT ventured to eating sugar these past 4 days and haven't gone off my challenge... (yay! be proud!) I am not going to post my food today though (maybe next time).


**WARNING** This might get a little mushy and personal from here out. The reason I share all this with you is because I realize how fake and unrealistic the world is (says the girl whose photoshopped face is on the side of her husbands plumbing truck right? stop it! it's marketing and fun!) I'd like to be real with you in hopes not only does it bring value to you but also, maybe someone, somewhere is reading this and they need to know they are not alone in life or in their feelings. 

Back to the crazy ex-girlfriend..... so as you found out last week in this blog... I went to my first counseling session to explore EMDR type of therapy with my husband...

I had my 2nd appointment this past week (remember I'm more crazy than he is)... it made me realize.....I really was a crazy girlfriend at one point in my life (So that would make me the crazy ex-girlfriend right?). 

haha.... yes I remember these days. 

Not just in boy/girl relationships but also in other relationships as well. I wont go into details but I WILL say I didn't realize it at the time... 

Yes I DO realize I was young, it was NOT all my fault (by any means).... a relationship takes 2 people wanting & working to be together. 

I also realize I clearly wasn't supposed to be with these people. As they were brought into my life as leverage to bring me to where I am today and where they belong as well. Now I have this amazing beautiful life I never imagined I'd ever have or believed I deserved. 

Natasha Barker Photography 

You may be wondering where on earth I am going with this...

This sounds so cliche  but everything happens for a reason....seriously you HAVE got to look at your life this way. 

My last appointment opened my eyes to realize I pushed (and still do) so many people away because of all the abuse I had in my younger years (My parents did the best they could. I do not blame any of this on them anymore. Most all of this happened outside of their control in and out of foster homes.)

I didn't believe I deserved to be loved, I didn't believe I deserved to be successful, I didn't believe I was good enough. I wasn't happy with myself. 

I ended up with an eating disorder and an attachment disorder. I wasn't happy with who I was.. I tried so hard to be but I didn't know how. I had this little girl inside me trying to get out so as i have gotten older my little girl comes out into my thoughts and feelings of anxiousness, self doubt and fear. 

This last session also made me realize that is why so many relationships I wanted so bad to succeed did not ... not just because they weren't right for me but also because I wasn't happy with myself. That shows... even if you're really good at hiding it it will eventually come out. 

You cannot be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with yourself.

Side note: I like to think I came up with this quote because I googled it and it hasn't been deemed yet... there are others similar but not word for word.... you know what this means right?

TWEETABLE! @Lallenia #Lallenia Yeah buddy!! (do it!)

Being happy with yourself is something that is a struggle for millions of people. I am starting to realize this is a choice. No one makes you happy but you. No matter what life you have been through, how much money you have and how many friends. 

People can make you feel happy when you're around them and material things can make you feel better about yourself but in the end it is your choice. If you struggle with this... go find help and don't give up if you don't mesh with the first person or thing you try. 

This is the reason I workout, try my hardest to eat healthier and now go to therapy is because these are things I can control in my life and they help to make me happier and a better person. I feel strong and capable when I make healthy choices mentally and physically. 

Also remember that everything you go through is for a reason. You may not think so at the time and it may be really hard and a HUGE struggle but I promise you it will lead you to where you need to be and who you need to be with.... and with a story to tell along the way =) Everyone has a story. 

This is just a snip of my story I shared today in hopes it will help someone who maybe is that crazy girlfriend (or boyfriend) or there is something inside you feeling anxious or self doubt...... take a deep breath, get in your "happy" place and realize You cannot be happy with anyone else if you are not happy with yourself. 

Go out there take chances, make mistakes, don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to fail. 

Also if you see a young person or child who looks alone in the world and sad.... tell them they are beautiful, smart and important.. That they are placed on this earth because they are very special. These words (even if from a stranger) will stick in their head and help them believe they were put on this earth for a reason. It will help them not to give up or get sucked into the life they were given.... trust me I know this as I am one of those children.

Thanks for reading and remember to always keep yourself happy (healthy), fit, and fabulous!!

Love you!

XoXo

*Lallenia*