I'm sorry......

Well.....
I want to apologize if my last post may have came across negative
I suppose this IS a blog so I do not need to apologize for the way I was feeling.
BUT The week didn't go very well with that attitude if you were wondering....

I WILL say i am sorry for not having the results i should have had this week.
(start here if you're confused what I'm up too please)

I actually went up a small (.05) % of body fat, barely lost any weight. (maybe a half pound), and lost muscle.

This is because I completely went off the rails this week, had some un anticipated stress, and decided to do a little bit of running sprinting......

My husband is preparing to take a HUGE plumbing test on Nov. 6th so has had classes all last week and will have some this week as well. (horrible timing!!) not to mention I was feeling REALLY down on myself this past week & couldn't sleep well (my time of the month is due any day so hormones??).

He handles this so well...=) I'm a lucky gal!!

Needless to say I was taken out of my routine of having my husband come take over for me at home with Wyatt. He would take care of him so I was not tempted to eat any "extra" food and get to sleep at a normal time or do cardio if I needed to. He wasn't able to do that this week. =( 

If you've been following me or know much about me you know I am always trying to get people to be healthier and always keeping up with ways to go about this. I've tried  I deal with staying healthy as well which is how I stumbled into this profession.

I experimented with a thing called bulimia when i was 13 years old and it has been a struggle for me to overcome since. It's embarrassing to say the least and also a topic that many people stray away from or try to hide. When I REALLY opened up about it in this blog I had an amazing response from people sharing their stories and struggles. It made me realize what a need there is for me  people to be honest, open and sincere. It also has opened my eyes to the fact that I have NOT been that open about it because I have been embarrassed and do not want anyone to think less of me (or think it works!) if i share my current struggles so I did not go into any details, there was my first mistake.


BTW.... throwing up food does NOT help to lose body fat or even lose fat and running does NOT help with burning fat either... just muscle. (hence the results this week.... blah)


WAIT WAIT WAIT? What on earth am I talking writing about!? I was TWO WEEKS (last week) from a BIKINI COMPETITION! Why on earth would i do those things when I KNOW the outcome is not what I desire?????


This past week was one of my worst weeks I've had in a LONG time with my struggle. 2 weeks before the show? How does that happen Lallenia????

I will tell you that there are SEVERAL aspects that go into play with this kind of disordered eating (obviously stress is one for me). I would LOVE to go into details about how, what, why, where, and when but I sure don't have that kind of time to talk write about all of that right now (one day I will!) & who even knows if you'd want to read it.



I could blame it on my son not wanting to eat the rest of his apple slices so I did and it triggered an episode.... or the fact my husband left the bread and PB on the counter, or the guy at scooters who bought Wyatt & I a cookie.... BUT lets be real.... it was my CHOICE, no one else can make me eat the right way(and not give into temptations) to achieve my goals or to go workout. I have to do it. People can tell me WHAT to do... its up to ME to do it or not.

I was SO close to just wanting to quit last week. I felt as if this is stupid. It's a bad time in my life. I can't do it. I'm too ugly. I don't look the part enough. My body is gross. blah blah blah. Negative self talk was all over in my head. I'm sure we've all been there and it's AMAZING to me how many times we BELIEVE that talk until it sabotages us.

 The thing i found this week that helped me tremendously that I wish I would have done the whole time (hint hint if you're one that struggles with any kind of disorder or stress).... was embrace and use my support system. I was so upset and mad at myself Friday that I finally just let it all out to one of my best friends (famous Aundrea Annin) and i felt SO much better and back on track. Though she has never dealt with this herself she knows about my past and knows this is a struggle for me, so she listened and encouraged me. Plus it just helps when you do not feel so alone in your struggles.

It REALLY helped talking to her and her coming with me to get my stage suit (I WAS NERVOUS!!!) but even after getting my suit and being told I looked good in it I was still REALLY self conscious! (stupid self image issues and negative talk!!!!)

Then there is my other best friend (WIFEY!) who is ALWAYS one of my biggest fans and supporters who has encouraged me and kept me on track. Shannon may not realize this but her coming to be here with me has also kept me more focused following through with this whole thing. She has known since i was 16 I've wanted to do something like this. This girl makes me laugh everyday and we have a game plan coming into Saturday.....

I tried the heels on the treadmill.... didn't work too well... j/k! 

Honestly if it were not for my support system (friends, family, clients, readers) I'm not sure I'd be able to finish this endeavour. I received this card this week and WOW what amazing timing! (thanks SO much Anna Marie!!!!) You have no idea how special these little things (like a hand written card, MAILED) can mean!!!!

In Conclusion: I am really sorry that I did not get the best results this week and that I have not been as open as i should have been this whole time. Had I been more open I may have NOT had so many struggles. Please learn from my mistakes if you are struggling with something. Reach out to the people that support you, love you and accept you for who you are. Then come up with a game plan to reach your (attainable) goals. If you have a bad day/week/month/year get it out in the open and keep moving forward. That's my plan.

Goals for this week:

Well my husband used our child locks on a cupboard and placed EVERYTHING that might tempt me.... even salt and honey lol in there and takes the key to work now.

see top right^^^

When I start getting anxious I am going to start journaling my feelings and remove myself away from food. 

I do have to do a bit of an extreme diet (i DO NOT recommend others to do) this last week and cardio.... yuck. Because I did not get the results desired. Please do not follow this & expect the same outcome as me if you do. This is only temporary for me to reach my best by Saturday from where I am now. 

My Diet is:

1.) 2 egg 3 whites, 1 cup spinach or asparagus

2.) 4oz Mahi Mahi 1 cup asparagus 

3.) 4oz  Ground beef/bison, 1/2 avocado, green bell pepper

4.) 4oz Cod, 1 cup broccoli or asparagus

5.) 4oz salmon, 1 cup asparagus or spinach or bell pepper 

6.) if still hungry 2 eggs 3 whites before bed. 

Cardio will be WALKING at 2.5-3.0mph 1 hour in the morning and one at night. Training is boot camp style and lots of Body weight. 

The crazy thing?? I started it pretty much Friday and I measured my tummy Friday morning to see how much bloat I put into my "pooch." it was at a 30.5. Sunday morning it went down to a 29.5. My waist went from 27 to 26 again IN 2 days my bloat went away. YAY! Now i have 6 more days to stay on track and look better. 

I wasn't going to post pictures this week and just say wait and see. BUT I want you to see the difference between today and then a week of following a REALLY strict  diet plan, drinking a TON of water, and doing my WALKING cardio. Not to mention being ALL dolled up & tanned!!! ;-)

Compared to last weeks  though not as drastic as it could have been... I can still see a bit of a difference! 

Especially in my back... can you believe my back pinch STILL hasn't budged since i started!? The only true way to measure progress is by pictures and the way you feel. Not by body fat pinches, or the scale. And even sometimes pictures can be annoying because it's about the way you pose each time and move your body. 

Here's LAST weeks to compare...

(My poses looked a little better from LAST week because we had to rush this morning taking the pictures.)

All righty folks that's all I got this week! I am re motivated and learning more about myself each day. Which is EXACTLY what I wanted out of all this. I know I'm not perfect and have struggles to overcome but I also know that no matter what I will NEVER give up on trying to get healthier, fitter and more fabulous every day. Even if that means failing sometimes or going backwards.... I always learn something about myself each time I do.

CHEERS to lean meats, leafy veggies, water, and cardio this week....... Next week will be the results if I fell on my face or not.... (dun dun dun.....)

Again THANKS to EVERYONE who is helping me through this!!! I love you ALL!!!!
XoXo

Keep yourself Healthy, Fit, and Fabulous!!

*Lallenia*

PS This is a GREAT post about Anna and Mia issues....weather you struggle with it or know someone who does.

http://www.soheeleefitness.com/uncategorized/a-call-to-arms-against-ana-and-mia/#more-1469

old habits HARD to break....

"What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal."(John Maxwell)

This week what I did on a disciplined basis sure paid off when I went to get my measurements! I was VERY consistent this week on keeping my protein levels higher and carbs a little lower. I didn’t even have bites of my son’s foods for a week! (That’s a HUGE accomplishment for me!)

(confused? Read this blog first!) 

My weight went back up to 139! BUT this week it was BECAUSE MY lean body mass went back up! YAY YAY YAY! OH! AAAANND My body fat dropped almost a percent!! Which means I’m 21 something (I went in during a busy time so JR must’ve forgot to send me the measurements or I would post them).

I FEEL stronger and leaner this week. It takes time. This is why it’s so hard for people to stick with it. Even if you have a set back, as long as you don’t let it bring you down and keep you there you will still eventually get results.

Speaking of set backs… This is going to be hard to write about especially after telling you how great my results were… I have been debating if I should talk about this or not for fear of judgment, being criticized, looked down upon, embarrassment, harassment, unworthiness, and people thinking I’m a failure and not believe in me… whew… those are a lot of upsetting thoughts aren’t they? Well… I said from the beginning I was going to be honest, upfront and raw with my followers… so here it goes.

Friday afternoon AFTER I get my measurements, was feeling confident and excited, I went grocery shopping at Costco. (LOVE this place!) I have learned over the years of struggling with my ED (eating disorder) which foods I need to stay away from and which foods are “safe”. I had my cart full of broccoli, chicken, tuna, green beans, spinach, avocados, eggs, and my boy’s cereal and milk.

My husband really likes having snack bars for quick pick me up at work and my bother (who lives with us) also enjoys eating them when he’s running around town. Their favorite bar is the sweet and salty nature valley bar. Well… this happens to be one of my “trigger” foods… seriously! Have you tried them? Addicting!

I was feeling really great and confident saw the HUGE box of 48 bars and thought, “ya know I’ve been on a roll and feel as if I am in total control lately. I will not slip into my old ways. I can buy this and put it in their pantry as a treat for them and I will not be tempted at all.”

I normally do not allow sweets in the house because I do not believe we need them in the house and because I don’t feel comfortable around them from my long history of bulimia. It’s taken me a long time to break those habits.

Friday night:

I was planning on going out for one of my girlfriend’s birthday parties. I ate before so I wouldn’t be tempted and just enjoy their friendship. My husband ended up working later than expected so I ended up staying with Wyatt. I know this is how it goes when you start your own company. No big deal. My brother wanted to eat a sweet and salty bar, which means Wyatt did too! I was struggling like maybe I can have one bite… I mean I got awesome results and feel good… one wont hurt my progress. PLUS I had carbs left over for the day since I didn’t even get to all my carbs.

I had one bite and my mind went instantly back to its old habits. It wasn’t because I’m starving myself… I do not trust me! I eat 2,000 calories a day! It wasn’t because I was mad or feeling upset over anything or deprived.. . I was happy and had a great day! It wasn’t because anyone forced me to do it. I really honestly believe it is YEARS of a habit embedded in my subconsciousness. I triggered it and BAM, game over.

I even took a picture of the wrappers…. Gross… I know. How in the heck does this happen?

I'm pretty sure there is like 8-10.... I know you're trying to count them!

I had a rough couple days following with my brain playing tricks on me and telling me how I am not going to make it and to go ahead keep binging… blah blah blah.

The funny thing is…. I have learned that I need to forgive myself and understand Lallenia You are NOT perfect. This is no excuse for this behavior BUT instead of in the past where it would’ve spiraled into weeks on end of eating, binging, and purging it wasn’t. I forgave myself for once this weekend and felt a calmness come over me. And an acceptance.

That quote in my head keeps repeating itself to me…. 

“What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal.”

“What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal.”

Through this process I am not only learning more about the way my body works, performs, reacts, and what gets results from the outside but I am also learning what my body needs from the inside. I am growing to love myself for who I am not just what I am and I am learning to develop my thinking to become stronger yet understanding. I am also learning that I do not give up easily!!!! This won’t bring me down and back me away from my goal in 7 weeks… EEEK!!!

I know I have flaws and struggles… I am not perfect. Why it came back when I least expected it? Maybe it’s God’s way of working through me to help others and to show me I still have some work to do... This does not define whom I Am. Nor will I ever let it again. 

       Reality is normally when it comes back it lasts a long time and is hard to get back on track. Now it is almost like one of those people that I used to know (start humming that song now…) They come and go but I do not them anymore if they aren't going to bring joy and love in my life.

 If you’ve ever struggled with an addiction or bad habit of any kind I am sure you totally relate with me here. Maybe your addiction/habit it still defining you and it’s hard to get away from it and maybe it’s like mine… just comes and goes when you least expect it. 

Just like in the weight room or on the running trail… Do not aim to get perfection, aim for progress. Eventually I will be blogging about how I haven’t seen my “friend mia” for years instead of months… I know it’s going to happen, Just like I know I am still going to rock this dang show the best I can!

So even with the little rendezvous with my “friend” I still had some great progress pictures this morning… now this is funny… BUT (I swear I am telling you the truth!!!!) I saved them to my computer and deleted them from my phone in I-photo… then I went to pull them up and this is what came up…

9 BLACK pictures... Yes I made my husband take a bunch...

Yes these are my progress pictures… AHHH I was sad because I was even POSING for you in them!!!!! I am not sure what happened. But I guess this will build suspense for next week’s right? It’s too late to take more I have to start my cardio at 3:45am….

Oh! In case you were wondering about my plan to combat this setback… My husband gathered all the bars and anything else that might “trigger” me and placed them where I can’t find them. He also helped me prep ALL my meals for the week…. LOADS of chicken and green beans. AND he even is going to make sure I am in bed by 9… he’s yelled at me 3 times now.

I have some recipes, which I will post this week because I REALLY am going to go to bed now….

*Keep yourself Healthy, Fit & Fabulous*

~Lallenia~

PS GREAT video here from a girl about breaking habits and binge eating.... it's long but she makes it fun and many people can relate =)

https://www.figureandbikini.org/a/321/How-to-Stop-Binging-Once-and-for-All