old habits HARD to break....

"What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal."(John Maxwell)

This week what I did on a disciplined basis sure paid off when I went to get my measurements! I was VERY consistent this week on keeping my protein levels higher and carbs a little lower. I didn’t even have bites of my son’s foods for a week! (That’s a HUGE accomplishment for me!)

(confused? Read this blog first!) 

My weight went back up to 139! BUT this week it was BECAUSE MY lean body mass went back up! YAY YAY YAY! OH! AAAANND My body fat dropped almost a percent!! Which means I’m 21 something (I went in during a busy time so JR must’ve forgot to send me the measurements or I would post them).

I FEEL stronger and leaner this week. It takes time. This is why it’s so hard for people to stick with it. Even if you have a set back, as long as you don’t let it bring you down and keep you there you will still eventually get results.

Speaking of set backs… This is going to be hard to write about especially after telling you how great my results were… I have been debating if I should talk about this or not for fear of judgment, being criticized, looked down upon, embarrassment, harassment, unworthiness, and people thinking I’m a failure and not believe in me… whew… those are a lot of upsetting thoughts aren’t they? Well… I said from the beginning I was going to be honest, upfront and raw with my followers… so here it goes.

Friday afternoon AFTER I get my measurements, was feeling confident and excited, I went grocery shopping at Costco. (LOVE this place!) I have learned over the years of struggling with my ED (eating disorder) which foods I need to stay away from and which foods are “safe”. I had my cart full of broccoli, chicken, tuna, green beans, spinach, avocados, eggs, and my boy’s cereal and milk.

My husband really likes having snack bars for quick pick me up at work and my bother (who lives with us) also enjoys eating them when he’s running around town. Their favorite bar is the sweet and salty nature valley bar. Well… this happens to be one of my “trigger” foods… seriously! Have you tried them? Addicting!

I was feeling really great and confident saw the HUGE box of 48 bars and thought, “ya know I’ve been on a roll and feel as if I am in total control lately. I will not slip into my old ways. I can buy this and put it in their pantry as a treat for them and I will not be tempted at all.”

I normally do not allow sweets in the house because I do not believe we need them in the house and because I don’t feel comfortable around them from my long history of bulimia. It’s taken me a long time to break those habits.

Friday night:

I was planning on going out for one of my girlfriend’s birthday parties. I ate before so I wouldn’t be tempted and just enjoy their friendship. My husband ended up working later than expected so I ended up staying with Wyatt. I know this is how it goes when you start your own company. No big deal. My brother wanted to eat a sweet and salty bar, which means Wyatt did too! I was struggling like maybe I can have one bite… I mean I got awesome results and feel good… one wont hurt my progress. PLUS I had carbs left over for the day since I didn’t even get to all my carbs.

I had one bite and my mind went instantly back to its old habits. It wasn’t because I’m starving myself… I do not trust me! I eat 2,000 calories a day! It wasn’t because I was mad or feeling upset over anything or deprived.. . I was happy and had a great day! It wasn’t because anyone forced me to do it. I really honestly believe it is YEARS of a habit embedded in my subconsciousness. I triggered it and BAM, game over.

I even took a picture of the wrappers…. Gross… I know. How in the heck does this happen?

I'm pretty sure there is like 8-10.... I know you're trying to count them!

I had a rough couple days following with my brain playing tricks on me and telling me how I am not going to make it and to go ahead keep binging… blah blah blah.

The funny thing is…. I have learned that I need to forgive myself and understand Lallenia You are NOT perfect. This is no excuse for this behavior BUT instead of in the past where it would’ve spiraled into weeks on end of eating, binging, and purging it wasn’t. I forgave myself for once this weekend and felt a calmness come over me. And an acceptance.

That quote in my head keeps repeating itself to me…. 

“What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal.”

“What a person does on a disciplined, consistent basis gets them ready no matter what the goal.”

Through this process I am not only learning more about the way my body works, performs, reacts, and what gets results from the outside but I am also learning what my body needs from the inside. I am growing to love myself for who I am not just what I am and I am learning to develop my thinking to become stronger yet understanding. I am also learning that I do not give up easily!!!! This won’t bring me down and back me away from my goal in 7 weeks… EEEK!!!

I know I have flaws and struggles… I am not perfect. Why it came back when I least expected it? Maybe it’s God’s way of working through me to help others and to show me I still have some work to do... This does not define whom I Am. Nor will I ever let it again. 

       Reality is normally when it comes back it lasts a long time and is hard to get back on track. Now it is almost like one of those people that I used to know (start humming that song now…) They come and go but I do not them anymore if they aren't going to bring joy and love in my life.

 If you’ve ever struggled with an addiction or bad habit of any kind I am sure you totally relate with me here. Maybe your addiction/habit it still defining you and it’s hard to get away from it and maybe it’s like mine… just comes and goes when you least expect it. 

Just like in the weight room or on the running trail… Do not aim to get perfection, aim for progress. Eventually I will be blogging about how I haven’t seen my “friend mia” for years instead of months… I know it’s going to happen, Just like I know I am still going to rock this dang show the best I can!

So even with the little rendezvous with my “friend” I still had some great progress pictures this morning… now this is funny… BUT (I swear I am telling you the truth!!!!) I saved them to my computer and deleted them from my phone in I-photo… then I went to pull them up and this is what came up…

9 BLACK pictures... Yes I made my husband take a bunch...

Yes these are my progress pictures… AHHH I was sad because I was even POSING for you in them!!!!! I am not sure what happened. But I guess this will build suspense for next week’s right? It’s too late to take more I have to start my cardio at 3:45am….

Oh! In case you were wondering about my plan to combat this setback… My husband gathered all the bars and anything else that might “trigger” me and placed them where I can’t find them. He also helped me prep ALL my meals for the week…. LOADS of chicken and green beans. AND he even is going to make sure I am in bed by 9… he’s yelled at me 3 times now.

I have some recipes, which I will post this week because I REALLY am going to go to bed now….

*Keep yourself Healthy, Fit & Fabulous*

~Lallenia~

PS GREAT video here from a girl about breaking habits and binge eating.... it's long but she makes it fun and many people can relate =)

https://www.figureandbikini.org/a/321/How-to-Stop-Binging-Once-and-for-All