Guilty.....

Guilty As Charged!

So it has been a few weeks since I have last posted anything up here… ok ok more like a few months!

What's been going on?? How am I doing? I know you are wondering because I have gotten a few messages ;-)

Lets see... if we back track to after I competed in my first bikini competition I honestly thought I would maybe eat a few naughty meals then get right back on the healthy eating wagon. Wrong. I actually couldn’t stop eating for like 2 weeks. Then of course the holidays hit so I just kept eating. WHAT IN THE WORLD????  Where is the healthy fun fit  fabulous Lallenia!? I guess I fell captive to thinking I just wanted to be “normal.” 

GUILTY.

Yes that’s me.

I’m guilty of falling off the strict diet & training wagon after my show November 3^rd, 2012.

I’m guilty of feeling a little depressed due to not being able to workout for a month.

AND I’m guilty of being missing in action to people that matter to me the most.

I’ve received a bunch emails, texts and FB messages from my family, friends and followers after my Bikini competition. (If you’d like to: check out how it went here.)  And after this last email (which was a swift kick in the butt) I figured I better get back to being myself.

This last email I received kicked me in the butt because a follower actually asked me to inspire her again and she missed me. I told her I was going through a rough place and was a little embarrassed I haven't been myself… she said. “So? Tell us about it. You’re so honest and people need to see this is life and it’s not a reason to give up or stop doing what you love. You have a gift Lallenia, please use it and don’t be embarrassed. We love you, please come back.” Amazing, isn't she?? 

Here are a few of the questions I’ve received (which I will address below)

1.     Where did I go?

2.     What is my next adventure/challenge?

3.     Will I continue to pursue this competition and fitness modeling adventure (um...thank you for that by the way!)?

4.     How has everything been going after my dieting and battles with my bulimia?

So guess what? I AM BACK! (Insert fist pump here)

I am guilty of over indulging a little bit too much after my show. I had some of fun eating with my BFF the following two weeks after the show.

Yes this is a typical picture of us ;-) 

 I started feeling really icky and decided it was time to clean up my act again.

In December I started to focus on gaining muscle and was doing my best to stick to my diet plan 80% of the time. I felt awesome, gained a little weight back (duh) and started really seeing some strength and performance results in the gym! I LOVED it!

To be honest I was looking forward to starting my blog again to tell you I am going to do another competition on May 18^th because I really feel like I know what to expect from myself and wanted to look even better. I had it all planned out and wanted to go even more in depth about it for you all. So yes I really enjoyed it and would like to do another some day (as of right now).

Well as life goes…. 
In Mid January I started feeling really weird and had this pain in my right ovary. I was told it was ovulation pain…. WHAT? I didn’t even know this existed! (Of course you’re talking to the girl who didn’t know she was pregnant for most of her 1^st trimester with her son). It started to hurt really bad when I would do intense workouts, run or jump rope. (Basically everything I love) It turns out I had a small cyst that had formed. (No baby…)

This is it except it was my right side. 

I never knew these could be so painful! So I was not able to workout much and felt as if my hormones were completely out of whack. I’ve always been in tune with my workouts and how food affects my performance but I’ve never paid attention to the “womanly” stuff. I just thought of it as really annoying (it is, seriously).

I was so sad to find out I wasn’t pregnant because hubby & I were secretly hoping we were. My doctor placed me on a hormone to help get rid of the cyst and maybe even help get pregnant. (Eeeee!!!!!) I find out next week!!! (My cycle is really long that’s why it’s taken so long to “try” for those of you that are all about this way of planning and were wondering)

In the meantime I was told by my doctor to cut back on most cardio besides walking and cut back on intense workouts. Which blew my mind because I worked out for pretty much all of my pregnancy with this cute little guy!

i laugh out loud every time i see this picture!
What a funny little boy we have!

When I told my husband she said that; he said, “So listen to her, she has her job for a reason just like you have yours.” (ok ok good point, leave it to him)

So the million dollar questions, “have I kept in shape after my show and did I return to my eating disorder???”  You know that’s why you’re reading this.

After I went on my binge eating for a few weeks I got myself right back on top of things. When I started feeling icky from my girl issues and couldn’t workout anymore I became depressed. 

Working out to me is like brushing my teeth, if I don’t do it I feel gross and disgusting. Just like some girls have to wear make up and do their hair everyday… I have to do some form of physical activity to feel confident. I am sure my husband sometimes wishes it was hair and make up because he gets pretty excited when I DO take the time to do it. I am not saying a I am a slob (i do shower everyday) I just normally have my hair up and usually only use mascara IF that 6 of the 7 days a week.

So I became depressed for about a month and did nothing as far as working out expect my cycle class I teach once a week (which was cancelled due to snow 2 times during that period). I would do some lightweights here and there as well. Naturally I am going to gain some weight from my routine changing and not cutting back on calories. 

Since my show I have gained about 10-12lbs (depending on the day). A lot of this is due to me being depressed about not working out as much or as hard as i'd like to from the Dr telling me not to until I get pregnant. She said that the weight gain is good for me to have on. It will increase my chances of getting pregnant. (I am still a little weary about this but I will let her do her job)

Am I:

A.    Upset with myself?

B.    Sad about gaining weight?

C.    Depressed?

D.    All of the above?

E.    None of the above?

And the winner goes to E.! NONE of the above!

WHAT? 

How can that be? 

After all my CAREER and lifestyle is all about the way I present myself and what I do right??? 

Right. 

The bigger picture for ME that is going to help and inspire MORE people; I haven’t struggled with my bulimia since my show. To be honest this is why I have gained a little bit of weight. If I overeat I don’t go throw up anymore (I know i know... gross. Don't try it) nor do I workout extra the next day to make up for it. Even though I’d like to think I eat pretty dang healthy I can still over consume the calories. (NO this doesn't mean go do that stuff if you're trying to lose weight!! it's a horrible cycle to be stuck in & WON'T make you happy or fit!!! If you've been following me you'll have learned I am healthier and stronger when i am not trapped in this cycle.)

It feels so awesome to not be SO obsessed with trying to hide that part of my life. Even though it wasn’t something I did everyday it was still something I was embarrassed/ashamed about. And to have gone through this time of being depressed and NOT falling back into old habits is so awesome to me and totally worth the extra weight gain. After all I AM a trainer and LOVE to workout and eat healthy it’s not like I don’t know what I am doing if i wanted to lose it again the RIGHT way. 

It has made me realize what it REALLY means to make a mental transformation. I have mentally conquered my eating disorder. I am not saying I don’t think about it ever but when I do I am able to mentally tell myself “No way Lallenia, you’re not doing that to your body ever again.” and then I'm done. I don't go back and forth I just simply tell myself no. 

It’s also made me discover that one cannot make a physical transformation without making a mental transformation as well.  Think about it. You have got to mentally change your thinking in order to change you behaviors.

I also must admit I was trying SO hard to work on getting a bigger butt... and well my weight has distributed nicely I have to say! So that's also a little exciting! My poor jeans... what am i talking about? I don't wear jeans. 

A little quote I have been obsessed with lately:

You can't do anything about yesterday.

The door to the past has been shut & the key thrown away.

You can do nothing about tomorrow,

however tomorrow is in large part a factor of what you're doing today.

(Now re-read that slower.... really go do it.... it makes more sense the 2nd or 3rd time....)

ahhh haa... Are you nodding your head in agreement?? Right!? SO TRUE!!!!!!!!! I mean I didn’t gain weight in a night… it took 3 months of not paying as much attention. Same with losing weight… it takes making the right decisions and having self control and discipline. If I make ONLY good decisions but lack discipline I will fail. Same with if I have the discipline but lack the right decisions. I must do both in order to achieve the results I want.

In conclusion, I am pretty happy with who i am right now no matter what the scale tells me. I still like to use it to keep myself in check so I don't go crazy but I can still jump on a 3-4 foot box, chest press 45lb dumbbells 6-8 times, do a few pull ups, pump out 10-15 push ups, and run a mile in under 8 minutes.

 So No I'm not "out of shape" from a physical stand point and my gut doesn't hang over pants by any means I just look a little fuller. If I want to trim up a little more I know what to do and how to do it in a healthy way but I also am not going to obsess over not having a six pack or be depressed because i don't look like a model on the fitness magazine everyday. 

From a mental standpoint I am able to control my thoughts so much better and I am able to realize that no one else, no perfect body, and no magic pill will make me happy. It is my choice to be happy. And yes working out & eating nutritious are my drugs of choice to help =) 

AS far as my next challenge: I have 2:

 # 1 I want to become certified to teach body pump classes.... i went through the training this past weekend and have 90 days to send in a video of me teaching it so I can have my own class. I struggle with matching the choreography with the music so.... this is ENTIRELY out of my comfort zone!!! Which will make me learn and grow YAY! 

# 2.... I know you already know.... I want a baby in my belly by my birthday this year and have a natural child birth if all things go as planned. ;-) 

That's all for now but I WILL be back soon!

Until then Keep yourself Healthy, Fit, & Fabulous!!

*Lallenia*